A Research Paper By Leora Kirby, Leadership & Life Coach, UNITED STATES
Confidence in Coaching
The whole topic of having confidence in one’s self has been the brass ring that I have struggled with my entire life. The questions am I good enough, will I be recognized for my contributions, and will I be thought of as lesser than because I am a woman? During my career as a human resources executive, I have confronted the issues of being challenged by statements of doubt in my ability because I am a woman. The question often came up that I needed a male counterpart to be with me as I handled projects outside my home state especially if I was traveling abroad. Before getting approval to lead a project, I had to explain not only my plan for the project but what arrangements I had made to ensure my safety as a woman traveling alone. This was not the same standard for my male counterparts. These years of being treated differently and having my plans second-guessed created an underlying belief of self-doubt and therefore confidence issues.
Purpose
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What is confidence?
Let’s first start by understanding what is meant by confidence. According to Merriam-Webster.com, confidence is a feeling of self-assurance; reliance; good faith. Reliance is built on confidence and trust while good faith is founded on honesty. I decided to compare this definition with Wikipedia’s definition of confidence: “Confidence is the state of being clear-headed: either that a hypothesis or prediction is correct, or that a chosen course of action is the best or most effective.” Digging even deeper, I found that confidence comes from the Latin word, fidere, which means “to trust”. I found it interesting that confidence is a feeling of reliance and reliance is built on confidence. Based on the above definitions, I am basing my research on the concept that confidence is built on the reliable relationship that one has with oneself in terms of being a source of information, deduction, and solace.
When researching confidence, I kept running across the philosophy that to have confidence in one’s self, there is something that an individual must have first. It requires building a foundation of self-esteem. Helene Lerner in her book, The Confidence Myth, states that self-esteem is being comfortable with oneself. All research has implied that this needs to be in place before an individual will be able to act with confidence.
In the book, 10 Simple Solutions for Building Self-Esteem, Dr. Schiraldi describes the process as starting on a foundation of unconditional worth and love (Schiraldi, 2007). The use of the word unconditional caught me a bit off guard—unconditional means to accept without limitations or conditions. Let me go further by diving into the key basis for the word unconditional — complete, not limited in any way, absolute, and unqualified. The author goes on to state that it does not require anything in exchange to accept worth and love in your life. How often do we truly grant ourselves unconditional anything? I posed the question on LinkedIn asking readers to vote on where their self-esteem stems from. Is self-esteem internally influenced or does the external environment influence your opinion of your self-esteem? Do you feel worthy and loved only because someone tells you? The results of the survey were split down the middle. The results express to me that our self-esteem is equally influenced by the opinions of others and by our beliefs or the lack thereof in ourselves.
Let’s explore building on the belief/faith in our internal ability to achieve the goals we have set for ourselves by utilizing a growth mindset. Referencing the work accomplished by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D. (2006,2016) she states that to develop a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset a person believes that intelligence can be developed. It is not saying that I can’t do “this”, but that I can’t do “this” yet. It is this belief in oneself that leads a person to lean in, accept advice as a gift, and keep advancing their ability to coach. Individuals with a growth mindset embrace challenges knowing that sometimes succeeding often comes with setbacks and requires effort to achieve. The hardest part for me to embrace is that critical feedback is the fertilizer that helps us grow. Sometimes if I am not in the right mindset feedback makes me want to crawl under the covers of self-doubt and hide. What brings me out from “under the covers” is seeing and being inspired by those around me who are successful in embracing a growth mindset. It is a continual journey of developing a growth mindset that I strive for now. I understand that having a fixed mindset will likely limit me as I embrace the future of becoming a coach.
Findings
As female students of ICA, we spend hours learning the art, science, and practice of becoming a coach. In this process, we are times confronted with self-doubt or a lack of confidence. The question becomes what can we do to move from a place of self-doubt and fear of failure to a place of confidence in our ability to learn, grow, and apply the techniques and knowledge of coaching. The answer to this question is by doing it again and again.
Surrounding ourselves with individuals who support and encourage our continued growth and learning helps as well. Brene Brown in her book, Dare to Lead, cites a quote from Joseph Campbell: “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”My cave was ICA and within I found the treasure of knowledge, sage mentors, and courageous colleagues, as we battle with our inner fears to become confident coaches.
Our goal as female coaches is not to come into the conversation with the answers but to stay present with the client, and ride along on their journey as the client finds their answers. This can be difficult to do when we have spent most of our lives in roles that require us to provide the answers to issues and solve problems or in some cases, prove that we are qualified and capable even though we are women. We need to become confident in our ability to set aside the tools and systems we have learned over the years to open our minds and be patient with ourselves as we learn how to become effective coaches. The process that has been set before us by ICA is one where with a growth mindset, we will develop our confidence in the role of being a coach and in learning about the uniqueness that each of us brings to the practice of coaching by our own life journeys. We need not judge ourselves as not capable or worthy when we compare ourselves to the ability of our peers in coaching sessions. Instead of saying I am not good enough, this is too hard or this process is crazy, we need to lean into the belief that we are not to the desired level of coaching expertise yet. We need to calmly ask ourselves what we liked about our colleagues’ approach and see how we can add to our toolkit of coaching. In my career, I have often been measured against the male co-workers in leadership. During my 30-year career, I was the only woman “at the table”. To use a phrase attributed to Ginger Rogers, “I did everything Fred Astaire did in high heels and backward!” It is in learning to embrace a growth mindset that we can become what we desire to be by believing in ourselves and trusting in the help of others that we become confident women coaches. It can be hard to be patient with oneself when you are in the learning process.
To be confident in coaching, the “not-so-secret sauce” is practicing and believing in yourself. Invest the time, energy, and study to build the self-confidence that you need to become comfortable and proficient in the art and science of coaching. It is through practice and the feedback we receive that one’s confidence grows. Tell yourself that as each day passes, we are one step closer on our journey of becoming the coach we hope to be. View feedback as a gift, not a judgment.
In discussions with other female students of ICA, who have recently graduated, they expressed a feeling of joy, accomplishment, and improved self-esteem. Is there some fear concerning their coaching career future? Yes, marketing oneself is the next hurdle that was mentioned by a few where this was not already a strong skill set. They expressed confidence that they will prevail due to feeling assured in their ability to coach and by having developed a supportive peer network of sharing colleagues. These women are examples of being strong, capable coaches, with strong self-esteem, who realize the journey is best traveled with others.
Confidence is what coaches exhibit on the outside to their clients after they have embraced the calm that occurs from developing their inner peace of self-esteem. But building confidence has an additional hurdle to cross, fear. Research by Helene Lerner in her book, The Confidence Myth, states that women tend to undervalue their skills. She goes on to state that confidence is often understood to mean:
- Being comfortable with oneself (true)
- Courageously taking action while not knowing the result (true)
- Practicing fearlessness (false) (Lerner, 2015)
Fear is an inherent part of trying something new. Statistically, women wait until they feel comfortable before starting new endeavors like coaching. Many women, myself included, frequently feel we need to have “aced” all the tests, conducted “perfect” coaching sessions, and be given approval to fully step into the arena of coaching to prove to ourselves that we are fearless and hence confident.
Instead of practicing fearlessness to become more confident, I came across work done by Jon Kabat-Zinn (1990) that talks about the 10 attitudes of heartfulness. Below are the 10 attitudes that Kabat-Zinn listed. I have provided brief explanations of the attitudes. Please see his work for more details. The attitudes suggest a different way of relating to ourselves and the world around us. What I discovered is that it takes embracing a growth mindset to lean in and explore the following attitudes.
- Patience. We cannot foresee the future. Growth takes time. Just like a seed, it takes time to turn into the plant it is meant to be. “Patience, grasshopper” is a phrase used in a 1970s show that encouraged the trainee to be patient and keep practicing a new skill until it becomes second nature. Expecting perfection and feeling defeated upon the first stumble is a limiting fixed mindset.
- Acceptance. This does not mean passivity or complacency. Release your death grip on controlling things and work with the flow of the water to change the course of the river.
- Compassion. It is not a weakness but a gift to yourself and others. It is being able to take a complaint or concern shared with you and not judge yourself as a failure. Think of it as the oversized sweater that you got for your birthday. You were disappointed because the sweater did not fit. Sometimes we have to grow to see the value of the gift received.
- Nonjudgment. Embrace a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset.
- Nonattachment. When we release ourselves from being something we are not, we have the opportunity to appreciate who we are.
- Beginner’s mind. Explore with the curiosity of a child.
- Good humor. Enjoy what you have versus lament over what you don’t.
- Commitment. Do what you need to do even when you don’t feel like it or doubt your ability. Encourage growth within yourself and others. Again, this calls on embracing a growth mindset to move forward.
- Vastness. Things are going on around us all the time. Our mind has the vastness of the ocean. You have the choice — to be taken in by strong waves (judgment) or dive below into the calmness that disperses the strong waves above.
- Generosity. The act of giving and loving without judgment.
After reading these ten attitudes of heartfulness, which sounds better: practicing fearlessness for perfection or embracing an attitude of heartfulness? I suggest heartfulness. Being willing to step into the area we fear, and exploring our values, strengths, and weaknesses to become the coach we want to be and that our clients need us to be.
In coaching, we need to be present for the client. We join them on their journey. It is not about conducting a perfect coaching session. We are not there to tell them where to go. As a woman do not allow yourself to be judged by others and told you are not enough. Together we keep showing up, being inquisitive, and showing compassion as we help our clients explore areas that are holding them back. Review your coaching sessions to see where you felt fully present for your client and when you were distracted. Look for where you were stuck in your thoughts and not present with what your client was saying. Ask yourself what would I do differently next time? Nowhere in coaching is there mention of the need to practice fearlessness. You do not need to armor up to step in the arena. Rely on your ability to be present and learn from the issues that you will meet in the arena. Only by doing so will you remove self-doubt and become the confident coach you want and can be. It is not about perfection.
Let me share with you part of the speech from Theodore Roosevelt entitled “Citizen in a Republic” at the Sorbonne in Paris on April 23, 1910. The speech is popularly known as “The Man in the Arena”. It will help you realize that the cave you fear to enter is where you need to go and your fear goes right along with you on this journey.
Here is a brief excerpt from the speech. “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither knows victory nor defeat.”
In Appendix A of The Confidence Myth, there are “Thirty Days of Confidence Sparks”. I found them very helpful. To my female colleagues I say, embrace the growth mindset, and believe in yourself that with each step forward you continue to become the coach that you desire to be. The journey will not be without its stubbles and triumphs.
References
Merriam-Webster.com (definition of confidence)
Wikipedia (definition of confidence)
Helene Lerner (2015). The Confidence Myth, Why Women Undervalue their skills and how to Get Over It!. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc. Oakland, California
Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D. (2006,2016). Mindset The New Psychology of Success. Ballantine Books Trade Paperback Edition. Penguin Random House LLC, New York.
Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D. (2007) 10 Simple Solutions for Building Self-Esteem. New Harbinger Publications, Inc. Oakland, California
Brene’ Brown (2018). Dare to Lead: Brave Work, Tough Conversations, Whole Hearts. Random House Books. New York (Cited from A. Joseph Campbell Companion: Reflections of the Art of Living, edited by John Walter. San Anselmo, California. Joseph Campbell Foundation. 1991.
Kabat-Zinn, J. (1990) Full Catastrophe Living. New York. Bantam Dell.
Theodore Roosevelt, “Citizenship in a Republic”, speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910.