A Coaching Power Tool created by Moushumi Bose
(Coaching Women in Mid-Careers, INDIA)
What is blame?
Blame in English means pointing fingers at something/someone in accusation. It is criticism, condemn, reprimand, charge and holding someone /something else accountable.
In reflection, it is actually giving away the control over any situation to someone other than our own self. So why does this habit of blame come so naturally to us? Why don’t we make the choice of holding ourselves responsible over blaming others? Should we explain that it is natural to shy away from taking charge of our own actions OR natural to abdicate from making a choice.. Let’s take a closer look.
Every choice / decision of ours will have some positive and not so positive outcome. Is it that our inability to come to terms with the not so positive outcome makes us move away from taking a stand. It would push us to a space where we may have to justify our decision especially when it doesn’t yield desired results. This will result in many others blaming us, we blaming ourselves and finally not forgiving ourselves for this decision /action.
As a possible explanation, the easier way out is that we stay away from decision making as it will be much easier to make someone else responsible for the not so good outcome.
How does blame impact us
As we get into blaming mode , the impact is has on our whole self can be enlisted as below:
- Feeling powerless/helpless and victimized
- Low in esteem , confidence , self worth
- Low in respect for self and others
- Weighed down in significance
- Low in accountability
- Lack of action
- Absence of commitment
In short , it keeps us hanging in the past with an inertia which forbids moving forward .
How do we get ourselves move out of the frame of blame.
- Focus on your breathing
- Slowly get to a state of normal breathing
- Call out the feeling /emotion you are experiencing now
- What is the feeling doing to you
- Would you want to move out of this feeling
- How would you like to do that
- When do you think you are ready to move forward
- How are feeling right now ( stay in that moment )
- What would you like to forget in this incidence
- Whom would you like to forgive now
- How would you do that
- Let go NOW
How do we enable the client to understand his/her current state of blame and shift from this state
What is Gratitude
Gratitude is a state of being and reveals it’s true power and impact only when experienced. In English language, gratitude means thankfulness, appreciation, and gratefulness. It could be for a person, for a place, for a situation or incident or even for god almighty .
But how does one experience gratitude and is it possible to live in gratitude.
Power of gratitude:
Gratitude has the power of shifting energy, moving ego out of the way, bringing in a different perspective to an incident /situation which may be not letting us move ahead.
A simple technique to experience gratitude right now is as under :
- Close your eyes and focus on your breath for some time
- Feel the pace of your breathing and lower the pace
- Ask yourself the following questions –
- What is that you are feeling good about today
- Why are you feeling good about it
- If you had to thank someone /something for this ‘feel good’, who would it be
- Can you first acknowledge within yourself the person /situation which is bringing about this feeling of goodness
- Could you share this acknowledgement with the person
- Experience the change in oneself after this acknowledgement
- Call out this change
- Rejoice in this moment
Impact of gratitude
What does experiencing gratitude trigger in us –
- Reframing perspectives positively
- Energizing one self
- Respect for others
- Creating awareness
- Acknowledging and appreciating others
In short, to summarize, gratitude ‘jump starts’ the process to move forward in the coaching conversation.
When in a coaching discussion, the coach finds the client in a frame of blame, the other extreme perspective to bring about is gratitude. Especially while the coaching discussion is on , if the client tables an incident where he/she is weighed down in significance with a negative feeling , bringing in awareness and gratitude to the forefront towards the end of the session around the same incident /person will help in reframing perspectives in the future. To bring to surface the feeling of gratitude in this so called ‘negative’ situation is to see the silver lining around the grey cloud.
In continuation to the coaching questions above what can be asked is:
Enjoying Gratitude (Self application) :
At the end of each day, spend sometime with yourself, going thru the day and celebrating that one thing which happened and got a smile to our face or brought relief /contentment to us . Find someone /something to thank for this smile/contentment.
Also find that one thing which upset you, think deep and hard to find whom to thank in that situation as well . Experience the shift in energy.
Feel the bliss that very moment!