A Coaching Power Tool By Mila Ivanova, Transformational Coach, BULGARIA
Belonging vs. Fitting In Our Longing for Acceptance
Often in life, driven by our longing for acceptance, we behave in ways that are expected of us by our family, close friends, acquaintances, and society at large. Following others’ rules in an effort to fit in comes at a cost – it distances us from our own values and our true selves. Ironically, it costs us the genuine connection with others we as humans naturally seek. Belonging, on the other hand, is empowering and liberating. True belonging means being in touch with what you want, who you are, and how you feel, and having the courage and vulnerability to show yourself to the world. Ultimately, when we are able to fully belong, we experience a sense of shared humanity and a meaningful and happy life.
What Is the Difference Between Belonging vs. Fitting In?
What is Fitting In
We, as humans, are social beings. Our whole life is structured around interactions with other people and our desire for love and belonging is a fundamental human need (Maslow, 1954). Oftentimes we are part of a diverse range of communities and groups in our work environment, our children’s school, our family unit, our circle of close friends, people with whom we share similar hobbies and interests, etc. We want to be seen, accepted, and praised by those around us in the various roles we play.
At the same time, we have been raised with beliefs about how the world works, what the societal rules are, and a certain overemphasis on the duality between good and bad. Fitting in occurs when we focus too much on this need we have as humans to be part of the collective when our desire to be accepted and loved comes at the forefront and we perceive that the best way to fulfill this need is to follow strictly the guidelines that we have been raised with.
Macmillan Dictionary defines the verb to fit in as: “to be accepted by a group of people because you are similar to them”. Here the conformity idea is emphasized, the need to be seen as following the rules of the game. The pursuit of acceptance, respect, and recognition (Esteem level on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs) sometimes leads us to forget about ourselves – our true wants, beliefs, feelings, and aspirations. We are either afraid to share them with those around us in case we get misunderstood, or we prefer to keep them to ourselves to avoid conflict. Sometimes we even get so focused on playing the fitting-in game that we lose touch with our true selves completely. Thus, a paradox occurs – it seems that, at times, the need to fulfill the belonging and esteem levels of Maslow’s pyramid serves as a barrier towards the highest level of self-actualization, or desire to become the most that one could be.
What is Belonging
In her book Atlas of the Heart, social scientist and author Brene Brown describes beautifully what true belonging is: “True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are“(p.156).
Being able to share our true feelings and beliefs with others brings a sense of connection and fulfillment. Belonging can, but does not necessarily mean, being part of a group or an idea. It goes deeper than the surface to the notion of being aware of our connection to the whole.
At the core we share universal human values, we get anxious or stressed over similar problems, we are moved by similar acts of love and courage, and we all strive towards connection – this understanding can strengthen our sense of belonging and bring forward the idea of unity and shared humanity. With this realization in mind, we can stand in a desert and feel a sense of belonging. We can also be part of numerous groups in our different roles in life and yet feel alone and isolated. The choice is ours and it starts with applying this knowledge in practice in relation to ourselves first.
Understanding Yourself
At its core true belonging starts with belonging to yourself. This means understanding yourself – being aware of your strengths and weaknesses, your triggers, your motivations, your deepest desires, and how you react in different situations. Tools and psychological style assessments can stimulate our desire for self-awareness. Once completed, a tool such as the Enneagram, the 16 Personalities test, or the VIA Strengths Survey can be used as a stepping stone for a deeper exploration of the results. It can help us reflect on how and when certain behaviors or traits show up in our lives, how we express them in our interactions with others, and whether are there any specific areas where we would like to be more authentic, give ourselves greater credit for something and allow ourselves the courage to express our opinions more.
Once we acquire this knowledge about ourselves and let it sink in based on exploration of our own life experiences, the next step is self-acceptance – embracing your most authentic self without judgment nor denial, with both the positives and the negatives. Self-acceptance is also about being kinder and more compassionate to ourselves, without holding ourselves to impossibly high standards or fixating on our failures (Miller, K. 2020). A simple exercise like writing a forgiveness letter for past regrets you have had, or a meditation or visualization exercise, can be a powerful tool to help shift in the direction of self-acceptance.
The third step is to have the courage and vulnerability to share your true self with others. This can lead to lasting, meaningful connections and a happier, more fulfilled life, one in which the individual honors and follows their talents and convictions and thus brings forward their unique potential. This also adds to the diversity in the world, a true celebration of difference which is liberating. Contrary to the assumption that one will be neglected or ostracized if they are not seen to fit in, people who let their true light shine are like a beacon in the sea – they attract in a powerful way others with their energy, uniqueness, and presence. Something that could be helpful to build the necessary courage is to learn to be aware and notice moments when you hold back in interaction with others and then challenge yourself to do things differently next time. You can even take part in activities that require you to be brave and vulnerable and get you out of your comfort zone – join a debate club, pick a sensitive topic in peer coaching, or have a heartfelt conversation with a close friend, as just a few examples.
A Perspective of Fitting In
Coming from a perspective of fitting in can show up in multiple areas of life and can encompass various situations. It is often an important underlying theme I notice across many of my coaching clients. Yet, it is usually deeply encoded and difficult to recognize. It can show up when a client:
- Puts aside their own needs and is constantly trying to help those around because s/he believes that this is what is expected of them;
- Is afraid to share or discuss in detail their true wants and needs with their closest friends and family because they know their friends and family have other opinions;
- Feel the need to filter their words and behaviors according to the type of situation and the person they are speaking with;
- Are afraid of voicing an opinion that is considered anti-mainstream in fear of being sanctioned at work;
- Listens too much to what other people think is right for them and does not live life according to their own rules;
- Is having difficulty forming meaningful connections;
- Finds it difficult to ask for help so as not to be seen as inadequate or inexperienced.
Connecting with the Self
To begin with, the coach offers the client support in understanding their true desires and their authentic self. This is also an opportunity to explore what true belonging looks like and to emphasize the importance of knowing yourself. Some sample questions that could be of help, apart from the personality tools mentioned above, include:
- Identify one person you respect. What qualities and behaviors do you find admirable in him/her? (to determine a person’s values)
- Who are some of the most important people in your life?
- What can you do to increase your self-awareness so you can tap into your full potential?
- Identify one or two of the most significant relationships/interactions you have and list three things that make them important to you.
- What does true belonging look like for you?
- What are some reasons you need people in your life? What needs do you have that they meet? What needs do you meet for others? (Riggenbach, 2020)
Accepting the Self
Self-acceptance is not only an important step towards true belonging but is also shown to contribute to improved psychological well-being (MacInnes, 2006). There are certain key components that could help on the journey of self-acceptance – being kind and forgiving of one’s mistakes, shifting from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset, and goal setting. Sample questions to ask clients could be:
- Instead of thinking you have made a mistake, what is a more empowering perspective you could adopt, one that is coming from a growth mindset?
- What opportunities do you see in your current situation?
- What is one small step you will take today to achieve your goal?
Goal setting can be beneficial as setting up realistic goals and celebrating their achievement can be a booster of confidence in terms of what one can achieve with one’s life. Starting a journal of small daily tasks that slowly build into bigger goals can be a reminder of what a person has achieved, where they have started, and how far they have gone.
Taking Action
Having all this knowledge about oneself, both positive and negative sides, the final step is to challenge clients to put this in action, be courageous and vulnerable in their interactions with others, so that they can show their authentic selves and feel connected:
- Who is one person in your life you would like to form a closer connection with? What is one small thing you’d be willing to share with them that you were previously hesitant to do?
- What benefits can you see from caring less about what other people think? What steps can you take to move in that direction?
- What is getting in the way of you experiencing true belonging?
- If you had the chance, who in your life would you like to have an honest conversation with? How will you approach it?
- What actions can you take now to feel more connected with yourself and those around you?
References
Brene, B. 2021. Atlas of the Heart, Penguin Random House: New York.
MacInnes, D. L. (2006). Self-esteem and self-acceptance: An examination into their relationship and their effect on psychological health. Journal of Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing, 13(5), 483–489.
MacMillan Dictionary, 2023. Definition of Fitting In
Maslow, A. H. (1954). Motivation and personality. New York: Harper and Row
Miller, K. 2020. 16 Self-acceptance exercises and activities for adults. Positive Psychology. 2020
Riggenbach, J. 2020. CBT Counseling & Coaching Card Deck: 50 Evidence-Based Tools to Promote Change & Personal Growth. Pesi Publishing.