A Research Paper By Crystal Thompson, Transition Coach, UNITED STATES
Making Graceful Transitions
You never change your life until you step out of your comfort zone; change begins at the end of your comfort zone. – Roy T. Bennett.
When I recollect memories of my life, I see so many different chapters I’ve lived. There have been several moves in-state, out of state, and internationally. There has been a not-so-linear trajectory around my career, as it has been an ever-evolving process in itself. My relationships have come and gone with dating life, one divorce, and now as a widow, I have freed my heart to love again. Having supported my only child through so many of my geographic shifts, finally, she is thorough college and designing her own adult life. The loss of so many dear friends and loved ones along the way seems almost unprecedented for my lifetime. These opportunities have one thing in common: transition. Moving from one place, person, or job to another takes incredible trust, courage, and willingness to shift from one mind space to another.
People closest to me have often sat on the sidelines and viewed my life as ever-changing and almost too much to handle. It is easy to feel more comfortable with a steady, controlled, and routine life. The average person can only take on stress in small amounts to move through the change intact. This is understandable and helps explain why people tend not to take the great leaps of faith in life that can genuinely shift one’s paradigm into brilliant change and insight.
This scenario is not the case for me, nor is it how I have chosen to live my life. I believe I decided at a very young age to “go for it” in ways that would shock my Mother, to be honest. Exclaiming “Yes” to the Universe as much as I have the opportunity to do so. To risk things not working out perfectly for the freedom to grow and experience the movement that this life can offer. I have chosen not to shut down after the out-of-state job didn’t work out, the business failed, or even the loss of my soulmate to cancer. I am someone who moves forward and continues to do so, navigating through the transitions with trust, grace, and ease.
I chose to go into transitional coaching as my niche for this reason. It is something that I have tremendous experience around, and I am comfortable supporting others in exploring what can follow in their own lives. I believe that I can partner with someone and effectuate change. We may navigate uncharted territory to get to the destination; however, we can begin to move into action with a renewed sense of enthusiasm and the ability to tackle the little steps along the way. As the butterfly metaphor shows up so often in a coaching conversation, it also applies to transitional coaching. From the current state of the caterpillar, we will start on the journey to build the chrysalis, and from that space, a client will make the moves towards growth. The final transformation of the butterfly is not a simple one; it requires effort and endurance to stay focused on the internal work. Not until the transition of making that change happen can the actualization of the butterfly be manifest.
It is when we are in transition that we are most completely alive. William Bridges.
What Is a Life Transition?
“A life transition can be positive or negative, planned or unexpected. Some transitions happen without warning, and they may be quite dramatic, as in cases of accidents, death, divorce, job loss, or serious illness. Other life transitions come from positive experiences such as getting married, going away to college, starting a new job, moving to a new city, or giving birth to a child. Even though events like these are usually planned and anticipated, they can be just as life-altering as unexpected events. Whether positive or negative, life transitions cause us to leave behind the familiar and force us to adjust to new ways of living, at least temporarily. They can leave us feeling unprepared, and we may be thrown into a personal crisis, feeling shocked, angry, sad, and withdrawn”. [1]
We all experience big and small life transitions throughout our lives; this is an integral part of living. While change can be intoxicating, it can also disturb us internally if we let it.
Life transitions can trigger vast amounts of mixed emotions, one being stress. If we can understand the stages of life transitions, we can better identify what areas of change will trigger us towards stress.
“Change is hard. We hear it often, we say it often, and we end up believing it. Nevertheless, change is something we also desire and strive for.[2] Often, we hear change being referred to as a negative connotation. Still, change is also required to move towards something that we desire differently. We must endure some changes to get to the other side of where we are now. It may involve a new career, dropping a bad habit, leaving an unhealthy relationship, or making that big move across the country to experience living somewhere else.
Some of the discomforts of change are that it requires some effort. It sometimes requires effort to move out of our current way of thinking and take steps to propel ourselves into the forward motion to get there. It involves open-minded thought work, planning, a lot of resilience, and, more often than not, support from the structures around us.
For so many, the status quo is comfortable. As long as our current situation offers us safety and security, making a change will be difficult. It can be terrifying to step into the unknown. Discussing change and actually stepping into action to make changes are two very different dynamics. As Prochaska and Di Clemente describe in their transtheoretical model of change, people go through different stages when wanting to change and doing something about it. The stages are pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and termination[3]. We can be in several different stages simultaneously as we navigate through all the nuances of change happening in our lives daily.
Why Is Change So Difficult?
Richard B Joelson, DSW, says, “Any significant loss makes most people feel fearful and anxious. Since your future may now be filled with questions, it is normal to feel afraid. We live in a culture that has taught us to be very uncomfortable with uncertainty, so we are anxious when our lives are disrupted.”[4]
Life transitions, such as moving cities, starting a new career, or being (having a loved one) diagnosed with a serious illness, can be a source of personal growth and development. At the same time, these life transitions can also be viewed as highly stressful.
The person who is resistant to change is how we identify people who seem unwilling to accept a change. It isn’t necessarily the change itself that people resist. People resist change because they believe they will lose something of value or fear they will not be able to adapt to the new ways. This lack of clarity around change can often halt someone’s momentum to strive toward change. Are we utterly convinced that life will be better after we change? We don’t have that guarantee that life will improve, so the lack of clear benefits makes it difficult to convince ourselves to put the effort forward into change. Without action, there are no results. Another reason that makes change appear difficult is impatience. If we cannot see quick results, we will not be incentivized to continue our intentions toward change. Most often, several attempts will be made in order to make real change in one’s life. There will probably be slip-ups along the journey; this is why it is essential to maintain resilience. Prepare ahead for potential roadblocks, create contingencies to allow for failure, and offer yourself patience along the way.
Steps Towards Graceful Transitioning
Taking a look at something we want to change takes courage. It is admitting that we can do better, have more, and perhaps push ourselves harder. That first step begins the theme of courage in the process of change. One has to be able to look honestly at one’s life and decide to do something differently. This may include habits such as healthy eating, an exercise regimen, improving sleep, watching less TV, etc., and the considerable changes, it’s time for divorce or selling the house to move. Personal exploration with the assistance of a coach can significantly benefit this process. A coach will offer a nonjudgmental platform from where to begin to ask yourself the relevant questions to one’s overall happiness.
When there is a safe place to explore, the world seems less limiting. We can be afforded the time and space to dream beyond our usual limitations. We can touch those infinite places that seem out of our reach when dissecting our needs alone. We are held in place when we are on the top of the ladder and reaching toward that perfectly ripe peach we wish to pluck from the tree. The coach/client partnership is perfectly symbiotic to implement significant changes with as little stress as possible.
Monumental transitions can flip our world upside down, but they can also cause us to re-evaluate our priorities. Quite often, positive changes evolve from life transitions. Change is a shift in focus to what’s essential in our lives. It can also be a chance to redefine our role in life. The transition process allows us to tap into our strengths and discover growth and self-confidence.
There are healthy coping skills to support dealing with the stress of life transitions. Engaging in multiple forms of self-care during your transitional process can offer the foundation for a healthy change. Eating healthy, engaging in exercise, and getting enough rest are foundational steps to ensure optimum health during any transitional period. Allowing yourself to sense all the emotions that arise during change will enable you to move through the layers of grief that can surface from change. Be patient and kind with yourself; allow yourself plenty of time to recover. Reach out to others for support, and this is a time that one can greatly benefit from feeling connected to others.
While moving through transition, consider what you have learned from life’s previous transitions. Perhaps recall the stages you went through and identify what you gained and learned from each experience. Such shifts can provide a productive time to do some necessary self-exploration. They might offer an opportunity to overcome fears and begin to deal with uncertainty. These can be the gifts of the transition process: Knowing more about yourself and what makes you happy and fulfilled.
“Connecting with our emotions is a good way to motivate ourselves for change. Examine your fear of changing and think about the future you’ll gain by making these changes. Commit to this change wholeheartedly, talk out loud about it, create a slogan that expresses your commitment (for example, “I can do this”), join groups of people who are committed to similar goals, and find an inspirational mentor from history or today who will help guide you through this process.” States John C. Norcross Ph.D.[5]
Graceful Transitions Guidance
Freedom to choose is an innate part of living in the modern world. With this freedom, we are gifted opportunities to decide our destiny. We also are occasionally guided to our destiny through matters beyond our choosing. The ability to look at these changes that are bestowed upon us through the lens of opportunity can be enlightening. It encompasses all life that courses through us, that is personal to each individual; this ability to decide which perspective to take. If we harness the ability to choose, we begin to see that our choices to move through transition with willingness can lead to paramount transformation along the way. The desire to grow and evolve as a multi-faceted individual from our deeper callings, needs, and aspirations is what pushes us into action, regardless of our comfort zone. Truths and realities that feel far from us are layers away from being unveiled and activated when we shift perspective from fear of change to welcoming new learning and becoming. Life coaching is one of the many access points I have found, a gateway, if you will, to clarify and align with our own personal freedom of choice. This freedom has the potential to alleviate, heal, activate, and liberate us, to make space for us to step onto our pathway, and lean into the immeasurable pleasure that may be uncovered when we answer our own questions and step forward with trust and action.
References
John C. Norcross Ph.D. "Changeology 5 Steps to Realizing your Goals and Resolutions"
Theo Tsaousides Ph.D. Article "What makes Change Difficult?" Posted October 16, 2020
Prochaska and Di Clemente Date last modified: September 9, 2019.
Boston University School of Public Health Wayne W. LaMorte, MD, Ph.D., MPH
Richard B. Joelson DSW "Managing Difficult Life Transitions" Category: Grief Recovery"
