Can we get rid of it? Are there benefits for its existence?
When you don’t do something you wanted to do, oftentimes your disappointment has less to do with the results you failed to create and everything to do with your interpretation of what that failure means. That you’re not talented enough, or competent enough, or confidant enough, or good enough in general.
The only way to change your reaction to failure is to challenge the beliefs that create it—those ideas about what failure means. And the best way to change those beliefs is to change the thoughts that shape them. The things that go through your head right after you feel you’ve let yourself down. And later when you mentally revise it while waiting for the bus. Then in bed, before you drift off to sleep, when visions of what could have been taunt you. Psychologists and neuroscientists estimate we think between 45,000 and 51,000 thoughts per day. If the majority of those entail negative interpretations of your weaknesses and mistakes, you will limit your potential because the prospect of failing will seem catastrophic. So how to overcome failure?
When you don’t let the mishaps of life keep you down too long, then nobody else will be able to keep you down too long either. It is through shifting your perspective and accommodating the right attitude with the help of a coach and its power tools (NLP, CBT. Visualization, etc.)
Twelve Steps to Follow
1- Expect Mistake:
Failure helps to create balance in your life and presents an opportunity for personal growth
Learn to love finding out that you’re wrong about something. That’s not failure; it’s enlightenment and the path to finding the right way.
Perfectionism causes us to fear failure and to feel we’re personally a failure when we’re faced with it. Seeking to always be perfect sows our own seeds of disappointment. Trying and failing is a much better teacher of what it means to be human than never trying and never succeeding?
2- Remind your self that you are good enough:
Believing we are good enough rests at the heart of fearing feeling. Failures serve as proof of this greatest fear, causing us to want to withdraw and not try again. The real difference between people, who become successful and overcome failure, is those who do not come down to how you manage failure and how you view its impact on you.
3- Remain Calm and take your time:
What ever you are feeling about failure do not panic, it won’t make any difference to the outcome itself whether you blow your top or stay calm. People don’t usually recover from a large failure overnight. It takes time for the emotions to heal. This time is better spent going over how to do it better next time and building up your resilience.
4- Forget about how other people view you:
If you think that people are judging it won’t be long before they are busy dealing with their own failures. Allow each failure to serve as an opportunity to strengthen your determination in the face of criticism. This is a far more positive and self-sustaining response than giving in to believing the often nasty and thoughtless things other people can say.
5- Shift out the negativity in your head:
All the negativity is in your head the reality is that you will recover. You will gain knowledge, insight, and experience. Visualize each failure as a stepping-stone to a stronger, more resilient self. Treat each failure as a gift of learning what not to do in the future. Respect the humility that comes with failure. Too much success can sometimes lead us to arrogance and feeling superiors to others.
6- Stop Worrying start laughing:
Think back to a time when you worried a lot. Did it make any difference? The greatest thing you can do for yourself during failure is to inject humor into your reflection of what happened. While there will be a period in which you feel especially tender, being able to laugh at yourself for mistakes can be an important part of the healing process, readying you for moving on again.
7- Review what your failure has taught you:
There are always things to take away from a failure, to inform your future direction. It might also be the case that you have made the failure seem worse than it is.
Failure can help you discover your best self. Failure is a signal that you’re willing to press on and discover new talents and the edge of your existing ones; Failure teaches you about willpower, persistence, self-discipline, and the value of hard work.
8- Stay in present:
Fear of failure is a future projection of worry and a reliance on what happened in the past. Bring yourself back in the moment and focus on what you’re doing right at this moment. By remaining in the present, you stay focused on the potential of now and allow your creativity, smarts, and innovative drive to bloom. Past failures are foundational lessons for better understandings in the present and an improved sense of living now. Embrace fear and release yourself from its control.
9- Allow your self to fail on purpose:
Personal development guru Steve Pavlina recommends failing on purpose. He suggests that it is a good thing to set out to do something that you know will fail provided it wouldn’t harm others or have long-term negative consequences. He recommends learning something in which you have no talent, trying something beyond your skills set. From doing this, Steve believes that you’ll experience more benefits than losses, such as learning how to handle failure, how to extract key issues, knowing your limits, and unearthing the value of partial success.
10- Focus on trying again:
Doing things the exact same way that lead to failure is not the answer; instead, focus on the goal and take the lessons from what didn’t work to show you how you can find new, improved ways to reach your goal this time. Persistence is the source of success for the majority of people on this planet. Overnight successes are rare; they are usually people who have been trying and failing and trying again many times.
Popular motivational coach Anthony Robbins says that we don’t just grow for ourselves – we grow so that we can contribute well beyond ourselves. It is important to remember that your experiences are available for others to learn from if you’re willing to share them, as well as being willing to share with others how you pushed beyond failure into a more fruitful and fulfilling outcome, and even what happened when you couldn’t overcome the failure.
12- Ditch boredom and live large:
Failure is the flipside of success and without it, there could be no joy in pushing through the odds, to know what success truly feels like when achieved. Imagine how boring life would be if you had nothing to improve or aim for! Keep in mind that the feeling of failure is the feeling of being alive. It’s a sign you’ve given things a go, pushed boundaries, and bounced back.
Yes, there are times when I’ve wanted something badly and it hasn’t gone as planned – then it can feel like I’m getting some really strong feedback indeed! But I’ve learned to view it all as a learning experience – and ironically it means I’m more likely to achieve my goals because I’m less likely to give up at the first challenge.
The phrase ‘there’s no failure, only feedback’ not only saved me from years of self recrimination and low self esteem, but it allowed me to start really learning from those experiences, and realizing that failure isn’t the end of the world. Once you realize this, a big layer of stress falls away.
Great things can take a while to get right – but if you give up because you consider it a failure then you really have… well, failed. As Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” If he’d given up after the first attempt we might still be left in the dark!
If you’re struggling with dividing your work/life/experiences into successes and failures, here are some questions that might help:
- On a scale of 1-10 how bad is the situation really?
- How important will it be in 6 months time? In 12 months time? In 6 years time?
- Are you making the best/most appropriate response?
- What can you do to improve the situation?
- What lessons can you take from this?
- What will you do differently next time?
- What positives can you take from this?