The effect of mixing evaluation with observation is that we are projecting our judgement onto others. No one would like to communicate with someone who judges them. It will only trigger the defensiveness and resistance in the person we are talking to. It will reduce the likelihood that others will hear our intended message. They only hear the criticism in our comment and shut down easily.
Communication will be more effective if we separate evaluation from observation. We truly state whatever we see, hear or notice without adding judgemental word. It is an important skill to have as a coach. See how much difference it makes if we state the examples listed above in the following manner:
- My son only studies for exams the night before.
- No matter what road he is on, my elderly uncle always drives 10 miles below the speed limit.
- The last three times I initiated an activity, my staffs said they didn’t want to do it.
When we use factual comments (observation) instead of opinionated comment (evaluation), it is hard for the other side to disagree or behave defensively. When we observe without evaluation, we open ourselves to the other person’s experience. It opens us to questioning/wondering about what is alive in the other person instead of assuming that we know.
Coaching Applications
A Case Study
Sharon is going through a divorce process. She hired a coach Tim to help her go through this difficult time. In one of the earlier coaching conversations, she shared her story about her thoughts on why her marriage ended and how she felt about the divorce. She told Tim that she didn’t like what her ex-husband did for a living. The job required too many long hours in the office and too much travelling on the road. That triggered him developing affairs with his colleagues and eventually ended their marriage. When Tim heard this, he said,
As a man, I have to say, no man will like it when his wife does not respect his career choice.
This comment immediately sent Sharon on a guilt trip. On top of feeing sad and angry that her husband had left her, now she felt guilty that it was her who broke her own marriage. Instead of opening up to share more information, Sharon felt bad and closed down. Their coaching relationship ended after two more sessions.
Now let’s take a look at what Tim did to damage the coaching relationship. Sharon told Tim a story from her perspective (which had her evaluation in it for sure). Her marriage ended was a fact. She attributed the reason from her own eyes and feelings. Rather than judging right or wrong, a coach should acknowledge what he heard. By making a judgemental comment of what he thought why the marriage ended, he made at least three mistakes. First, he denied his client’s perspectives (which shouldn’t be right or wrong whatsoever); second, the comment made the client feeling worse; third, when being judged, his client lost trust in him and did not feel safe to share with him anymore.