A Coaching Power Tool Created by Roxana Borcsa
(Life Coach, ROMANIA)
It seems at first look like a huge transformation, but aren`t all shifts of perspective being huge for someone? How can you make such a change and more importantly how can you sustain in the long term this new way of being? What is needed to understand the place we are now and the place we want to be in the future? How can coaching relationships help you shift and support you in the process and help you even after achieving the goal? What work needs to be done to change, grow, and move forward? What can get in the way? What is the first step in the process?
Well first I think is the courage to open up, the courage to talk about different issues, the courage of wanting this change… so what is courage – from the definition of “to speak one`s mind by telling one`s heart“, to being heroic –from speaking honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences(good or bad) – to reach out for help- to be ok for being vulnerable and let emotions be visible sometimes- to being ok to discover who we are with our vulnerabilities and weak points. And what exactly means for each one not enough and also good enough? How are these concepts expressed in different people and how can this tool help them?
Reasons for feeling not good enough are from the core beliefs that are running the show, your inner voice is critical and judgmental, you surround yourself with critical people and also had critical parents.
Not enough. Where is this coming from? is there an underlying belief attached? What else is attached to this? What can do to you if you still hold this in your life? How is this serving you now?
How can you help people came face to face with core beliefs, examine, and challenge them?
Core beliefs being formed by experiences from childhood and created a framework for memory. Examining life history with deliberation and care can challenge your beliefs. Try to rewrite the core beliefs so that incorporates the new learnings and create a new set of rules that will support the new core beliefs. How can you act from these new beliefs in more areas of your new life? Take responsibility for the new life that awaits you.
Embracing who we are in every moment with our imperfections, growing and cultivating authenticity, and living every day from the perspective of being enough, cultivating the courage to be the person that we want and not compare with others and also not to be afraid of letting others see the real selves.
We all need help to make important changes in our lives and to learn new things and having conversations that inspire the client, that makes the client want to change and develop through unconditional support throughout the process of change can make a person shift from not being good enough to a person who can redefine.
What is exactly not…enough…everybody at some point in life can fill in the blank with different words like not being smart enough, young enough, not having enough time, money, freedom, etc. and this fear and scarcity is fuel for gremlins and prevents you to move forward. The first step is to define in the specific moment what not enough means and where is it coming from, what is going on in that moment, and what needs to be done
After knowing that is ok to feel different in different situations and telling the stories of fear self-doubt. the weight can be lifted and only the ability to recognize these can move you to develop more courage and self-trust.
Shame and fear lose power when is spoken. So name it: not enough and talk about it and feel liberated
After identifying the feelings of shame, guilt fear, etc. the coach acknowledges the client for the insights and worthiness .and sees how can you shift from there.
The first step is to try to understand your reaction instead of beating yourself up for having it.
For most of us, enough is never enough. We’re so busy trying to be something other than whom and what we are in the present moment.
We constantly judge ourselves as not what we should be. As a result, we’re always striving for something else. Unfortunately, we have no idea what that “something else” is.
Enough is Enough!
Defining what enough means for us requires us to accept ourselves for who and what we are.
By creating an achievable destination, we’re agreeing that there will be an end to striving for more and we’ll have to be content with things as they are.
Are you ready to do that? If not, why not?
If you are ready, can you decide that you’re there now? If not, why not?
I’m suggesting that we stop judging ourselves as not enough. Instead, let’s enjoy the process of growing for its own sake instead of doing it to achieve an unachievable goal of what others think we should be.
So what if we’re not meeting someone else’s expectations? That person probably isn’t meeting their expectations of themselves.
What will happen if we don’t get the complete acceptance and approval from the important people in our lives?
Answer: Our lives will be exactly as they are today.
Using my personal experience of life, being raised in a system that was bringing to the surface only the negative side and the not enough issues, I have struggled my entire life to balance the person from inside my self who was sure that is special and more than enough to what others were saying about me and what society was considered to be enough. It took me 20 years to realize that the true me was inside and not the image that others wanted me to have. Why so much time spent on frustration and trying to fit in somebody else’s values? Because I believed that was it.all. Whenever something was happening around me I was to blame because I was not good enough to be better or do something better. I was never good enough to start my career and ending with my relationships. The bright side of this( because there always is a bright side) was that I was eager to learn more to see where the struggle is and what can I do to improve and I did change and improve. The point is that that you need to change faster than 20 years and using coaching can get you there faster wherever you want to be.
Coaching application:
- What would you do today if you knew you could not fail?
- What is the worst possible outcome?
- What am I afraid of/ what are my greatest fears?
- What is getting in the way or holding me back?
- What do I need to believe to achieve my goals?
- What can support me in overcoming perfectionism?
- What can help me focus on good enough?
- What is enough anyway?
- Who gets to decide what enough is and why should we listen to them?
- What do you think you should have at this moment that is missing or not recognized by others?
When we flip the coin and address the concept of being enough we are sometimes realizing that enough can be too good to be true….If you say that something seems too good to be true, you are suspicious of it because it seems better than you had expected, and you think there may something wrong with it that you have not noticed.
Like really? Some things can be so good you wouldn’t believe them unless you were there. And I wonder what else might be possible for me if I keep going, keep dreaming and keep walking the path – even when I meander and go in different directions from time to time. What if nothing is too good to be true? What would I dream then? The idea that nothing is too good to be true just lights me up every time I think about it.
I have everything that I need or I could have everything that I need, just open the window of possibilities. If we want something just act on that. It is not always true that if something looks too good to be true – then it is too good to be true.
Sometimes – that is true – sometimes it is not – but you need to evaluate the opportunity and then decide.
The opportunities you do not take are one big area that is holding you back.
John Maxwell says that opportunities are never lost – they are just found by someone else! Have you seen that to be true in your life? Do you see other people succeed in doing something that you thought about but never did anything about?
There are opportunities every week – probably every day – opportunities to make connections, opportunities to increase your impact and influence – opportunities to help someone and be helped in return – and we just don’t take them. Why is this?
Some of it is lying we believe – like – if something looks too good to be true… We have been spoiled by skepticism – we’re so busy looking for the catch that we miss the opportunity.
Maslow said that when we get presented with an opportunity we will either step forward into growth or step back into safety – step back into our comfort zone and stick we what we know.
In situations when perfectionism is getting in the way of starting, finishing, or achieving a goal, a ‘good enough’ mentality can be healthy. ‘Good enough’ for this power tool is to shift one’s perspective from 100% to 80%. Good enough focus on the experience you have in the process rather than the outcome, and focusing the mind on progress rather than perfection.
Making New Choices
You can choose a lifetime of unhappiness and “not enough-ness” that goes along with seeking your validation through other people.
Or you can know that happiness and enough-ness come when you accept and approve of yourself, without needing outside, subjective validation.
You Are Enough
Shifting your focus to others allows you to open your heart and mind to be more compassionate with others.
When you can accept others exactly how they are with no judgment, you’ll find it much easier to accept yourself and choose happiness in your own life.
Decide that you’re good enough right here, right now, exactly as you are. Other people and more experiences can’t make you complete or enough.
Grow, learn, and achieve to serve others with your expanding gifts, not to strive for unattainable ideas of being enough.
Key Questions & Reflection for coaching application:
- What are the areas in my life that perfectionism is getting in the way of?
- What are my beliefs, values, and assumptions around perfectionism?
- Am I comfortable with being good enough?
- What does good enough look like to me?
- What do you think you deserve that you aren’t getting?
- What are you afraid you will never achieve?
- What decisions in your life are you blaming for your present circumstances?
References:
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You are by BreneBrown (2010)
Helping People Change: Coaching with Compassion for Lifelong Learning and Growth, Hardcover by Richard Boyatzis (2019)