Reacting to Shame
When people get triggered into shame, there are four common unconscious reactions:
- Withdraw – hiding, and giving up on one’s requests and dreams
- Blame self – shrinking to fit other’s expectations, owning that one is not good enough
- Blame or attack others – trying to gain power over others, becoming angry, shaming others
- Rebel – fighting back, doing the things one’s afraid of, being unusual and startling, as a way to demonstrate independence
Worthiness
All human being have intrinsic worthiness, and there is nothing a person needs to do or be in order to be worthy – worthy of love, respect, attention, and connection. Unfortunately, because of the debilitating effects of shame, and how prevalent shaming messages are in our culture and our interpersonal relationships, people can lose sight of their own sense of worthiness.
Defining Worthiness
Worthiness is knowing you are good enough just the way you are, loving and accepting yourself, and feeling free and confident to be authentic.
Authentic people are those who feel “comfortable in their own skin.” Such people are honest, sincere, and direct, and they can laugh at themselves with compassion. Shame prevents us from being authentic because when we feel shame, we hide our true selves. We don’t want other people to know us when we see ourselves as flawed and unworthy of connection.
Neil Clark Warren identifies five characteristics of authentic people:
- They live in the present
- They are free of fear
- They are not judgmental
- They genuinely appreciate themselves
- They hunger for the truth
Cultivating Authenticity and Worthiness
It is possible to cultivate authenticity and worthiness. Learning to move through shame so it doesn’t control you is one way to increase authenticity. And the more authentic you are, the less you have to hide. Authenticity is a daily practice. Choosing authenticity means taking these actions:
- Cultivate the courage to be emotionally honest, to set boundaries, and to allow yourself to be vulnerable
- Have compassion, both self-compassion and for others
- Nurture the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when you let go of who you think you are supposed to be and embrace who you are
Ways to nurture your sense of worthiness:
- Do the right thing. Honor your own sense of right/wrong and personal integrity.
- Practice love, empathy, and self-compassion
- Do things that you find grounding and centering – meditate, walk in nature, do yoga, etc.
- Accept yourself the way you are
- Be of service – volunteer, fight for a cause you believe in, do random acts of kindness
- Practice gratitude
- Develop supportive social networks with people you like and who like you
- Forgive yourself and others
- Share hugs and other intimate touch
Brene Brown (2010) defines wholehearted living:
Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think,
No matter what gets done and how much is left undone; I am enough.
It’s going to bed at night thinking,
Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.
Self-Application: From Shame to Worthiness
We can’t be immune to shame. However, we all have the capacity to develop resilience. Shame resilience means we can understand shame, know when we’re in it, and know why we’re in it. It means we can move through it constructively while maintaining our authenticity. And we can increase our courage, compassion, and connection as a result of our experience. In other words, resilience is not about resisting shame but about moving through it in a way that allows us to be our best authentic selves and to return to a place of feeling worthy.