A Coaching Power Tool Created by Nicholas Kittis
(Inspirational Thought Leadership and Transformational Life Coach, CYPRUS)
What’s the story?
The average person in this world is an effect, not a cause. They are an effect and victim of thoughts, feelings, opinion, mood, desires, emotions, appetites, lower self, other people, biorhythms, the physical body, past lives, subconscious programming, the weather, astrological influences, vital forces, illusions, fantasy, and the environment, just to name a few. Only a small percentage of the population are the ones who take full control of their lives and become Victors.
I am confident that there is not one person who knows someone either, friend, family, spouse, etc. who is not or has not been a victim in today’s life. This is how the universe is built and it is up to us – YOU to find the courage to make the change and to ensure you can live a better quality life.
What does it mean to have a Victim Mindset?
The victim mindset is a habitual way of looking at life — an automatic orientation towards the events in ones’ life as unfairly getting the short end of the stick or being taken advantage of. This mentality leads one to feel powerless in confronting circumstances.
It is important to understand that nobody really consciously chooses to be a victim. Through life and our journey, it is more of a way we fall into, and we become comfortable with this way as it fits perfectly and comfortably, and it works. This pattern becomes a strategy to deal with life —staying safe in one’s comfort zone, numbing oneself, finding a company, getting attention, avoiding being responsible for something in one’s life, etc.
“In short, having a victim mentality means that you blame other people and circumstances for the unhappiness you feel.”
Through victimhood a person receives validation that they are a good person, they receive attention, sympathy and if circumstances were just different, they would obviously be thriving. In short, it’s a perfect way to “save face” in the midst of any kind of failure.
A victim mindset can also be created by real and authentic concerns that are not receiving the attention required or are not being addressed. With this, the person then becomes familiar with the results and understands that helplessness ensues. It is not different from what we learn every day, using the repetition of a pattern over time. A good example would be – I need help, get ignored, please help me, get ignored, can you help me, I don’t care to leave me alone. Here the person had a real issue, but as he could see that noting would change overtime he stopped being committed.
To better understand a Victims behavior below is some examples:
The classic victim’s behavior often includes the following:
- Constant excuses and complaints
- False blames and promises
- Fear of making mistakes and commitments
- Belief in quick shortcuts and outcomes
- Lost resources of time and energy
- Learning without applying new knowledge
- Lack of self-confidence and self-efficacy
What does it mean to have a Victor Mindset?
The victor arises above all circumstances at all times.
Victors dominate their moods, character, qualities, and powers, as well as the environment surrounding them, and become Movers instead of pawns.
Victors are achievers. What they seek most is an achievement in the goals they have set. By this, they have realistic expectations for what is possible in line with what is required for them to achieve their goal. Victors are those who do not wait for things to happen by chance but they prepare themselves accordingly daily in what needs to be done.
On the other hand, classic victor’s behavior usually includes:
- Constant motivation and goal setting
- Honoring impeccable values and promises
- Overcoming fears and obstacles
- Implementing effective solutions and productivity
- Focusing on progress and time management
- Growing by using new knowledge
- Following through to goal completion
For coaches, many clients will come into a session with only but knowledge and experience of a victim’s mindset. The opportunity here for the coach is to bring out that shift from victim to victor and create a learning space for the client.
Through coaching and its process, the coach assists the client to uncover their underlying beliefs which play an important part in what has been keeping theme the victim mindset. With the coach’s presence, active listening, powerful questioning, direct communication, creating awareness, etc. – the client will be able to bring the shift and gain awareness of the beliefs that drive them to take action towards the victor.
The underlying beliefs of the client will be in the spotlight, whereby many emotions, feelings, beliefs, self – assessment will be brought out. Here the coach will be able to identify these areas by active listening or understanding the client’s change in body language, tone of voice, energy shift, etc., and ask the client how this is connected.
For a client who understands/believes nothing other than to be the victim, being able to uncover a rigid belief and having to discover a new perspective can for most be difficult. At this point, the coach can work with the client to visualize the victor mindset and how important this will be for the client.
The coach at all times will be required to communicate with the client effectively with a masterful practice, giving the client the feedback objectively, with clarity, constructively, and that which will only but move the client to action.
Coaching questions that can be helpful during the session:
Our clients are completely capable of creating their own solutions; sometimes they are just stuck in their stories. Through reflective inquiry, a coach can make them aware of what and how they are thinking, the underlying beliefs and assumptions, the self-talk, their blind spots, etc. Once the client can see more clearly and beyond their usual points of view, they can discard limiting beliefs, expand their thinking, and create new perspectives and new actions. There is nothing more fulfilling for a coach than to see clients maximize their potential.
- Think about your perception of being a victim? What are the behaviors that you see as characteristic of being a victim?
- What areas of your life are you not taking action in at the moment and why?
- Think about your perception of Victim/Victor. What are the behaviors that you see of someone living by the victim/victor?
- What are some of your own underlying beliefs regarding the coaching process?
- How can you support your clients in coming to their own sense of victor and about who they are?
- What behaviors can you put in place as a coach to ensure that you don’t bring your “Victim/Victor” to a coaching relationship
- How can you maintain self-awareness in a coaching conversation?
- As a coach, what are some powerful questions you could ask your client to move them forward into action?
- What do you do if your client doesn’t really want the “Victor”?
From Victim to Victor | Sarah Hernholm | TEDxYouth@Austin
Coaching for Performance – 5th edition by Sir John Whitmore