A Coaching Power Tool Created by Mihoko Kobayashi
(Leadership Coach, JAPAN)
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. Viktor E. Frankle
Every day, in every moment, we are facing a situation and other people’s feedback either by words or by actions. Unfortunately, all those are totally out of our control. But we are suffering from negative feelings caused by the uncontrollable things. The only one that we can control is self-interpretation regarding those outside stimulations.
Stephen R. Covey described in “7 Habits” that we are having “Freedom to Choose” between stimulus from outside of us and our response. He says
instead of reacting to or worrying about conditions over which they have little or no control, proactive people focus their time and energy on things they can control.
Here is my Power Tool “ Victim vs Hero of Story” inviting my clients to shift their perspective from victim mindset toward that of Hero of Story.
“Victim” Mindset
“Because my company gives me too stretched target, I can’t achieve.”, “My boss doesn’t understand the real situation at all and he is blaming me inappropriately.”, “My husband is not listening to me seriously and our relationship is different from what I used to love.” Those comments familiar to all of us are focusing on outside situations or other people’s behaviours on which we don’t have control.
In this state of mind, our focus is on the uncontrollable things and, in most cases, little change is expected simply because we can’t control. Also, we never know whether related people have the same understanding as us.
Still, I have to admit based on my own experiences, that this state is somehow comfortable even though we are having a negative feeling. Why? Because we are implying that “I am right and they are wrong.”
The fact is that we put ourselves in prison by having the feeling that “I am a victim of the situation.” Little hope is there to improve and we will continue suffering from negative feelings.
“Hero of Story” Mindset
Needless to say, as Covey described, it would be much healthier and more productive to focus on what we can control. On top of it, I would like to encourage my clients to see themselves as the hero/heroine of the story named “their own life.”
Joseph Campbell, the mythologist, identified a narrative pattern of the hero’s journey in his book of “The Hero with a Thousand Faces.”
The framework consists of;
- Departure
- Initiation
- Return
A hero or an adventurer is called to a task greater than himself, struggles with the crisis, transformed through tests, allies and enemies, and then receives the reward. This is the global basic framework of the story.
Across countries, across histories, readers of stories have been moved with a hero, who is a normal person like them, takes courage to start the journey, facing with a lot of struggles with hurts and cries, then finally succeeds to get what he desires. This is how a story moves us.
If nothing happens, there will be no story. The story needs adventure, struggle, meeting enemies and allies. The story needs the hero’s various emotions, not only joy but also cry. The story moves people because the hero achieves something only after his tough moments, with which people get empathized.
Taking this framework of the hero’s journey into our life, what if I am a hero of the story “My Life”? How can I, as a hero of the story, move my readers?
Coaching application
If a client is in the state of victim mindset, the first step at coaching dialogue is the acknowledgement to build trust and intimacy, as when trapped by this mindset, we are emotional and see things with narrow and extreme perspectives.
Then I encourage my client to have self-awareness about what s/he is thinking about. In most cases, their focus is on uncontrollable situations and people surrounding them.
Possible powerful questions to shift victim mindset to that of Hero of Story would be;
- In the current circumstances, what are the things that you can control?
- In the current circumstances, what can you use as your growth tool?
- Imagining that you succeed to go through with this tough situation, what kind of learning would you take from it?
- If you are the hero of the story, how would you expect the hero to see the situation and act?
- You are the hero of your story called “Your Life.” What kind of character do you wish to have for the hero?
- If you are the author of the story called “Your Life,” what kind of intentions do you think the author has to create this tough circumstance to the hero?
The most powerful question is the last one from the perspective of the author of the story, as it separates the client him/herself as the hero from the creator of the story. Having the author’s point of view helps see the situation objectively. This emotional intelligence helps the client release him/herself from the trap of attachment to the situation of which s/he is the victim.
With the author’s point of view, we can see the situations or people surrounding us as a trigger of the story. We will be excited about how the story goes on with the struggle of the hero. This gives powerful energy to the client to face the situation differently.
Case Study
Mihoko, the expat of a corporate, is working in a foreign country. She has own team of local staff, directly reporting to the head of the company, happily working in the given circumstances.
One day, the company decided to change the organization and put another position between her and the head of the company. This situational changes made her less comfortable with less exposure to management, less freedom to manage the business and the team, and more control over how she works.
Although she fully understands this decision is to help the company grow faster and her new boss is a very nice person simply trying to do his best to support business and herself, she got trapped with a victim mindset. She emotionally reacts by what happened and what was told to her and behaved like she is a victim of the change and lost her motivation.
Luckily she is studying coaching and she utilized her coaching learning. She had a self-coaching dialogue by the Power Tool of Victim vs. Hero of Story.
- In the current circumstances, what are the things that you can control?
I cannot control company decisions or people. What I can control is how I behave in this situation and how I work with the team to motivate them and lead the business to success.
- In the current circumstances, what can you use as your growth tool?
The new boss is an expert of my current responsibility. So why not learn from him at max? This is a great opportunity for my growth. Also, he is a foreigner and has a different management style. Working with him, I will understand more about cross-cultural management and leadership styles which I’m curious about.
- Imagining that you succeed to go through with this tough situation, what kind of learning would you take from it?
I would gain resilience in how to flexibly react to the situations. I would gain higher management skills with different people’s ways of working. I would gain more experiences on the job by learning from the new boss who is an expert on the field.
- If you are the hero of the story, how would you expect the hero to see the situation and act?
I expect the heroine to be positive for everything. Even if she gets hurt, she would find something good from the situation and stand up again and influence people in a positive manner.
- You are the hero of your story called “Your Life.” What kind of character do you wish to have for the hero?
I wish my heroine to be resilient and flexible, being grateful for all even if something looks bad for the time being. I want her to see always positive aspect and to give positive energy to others. Yes, sometimes she cries, but she will stand up again with a smile after tears.
- If you are the author of the story called “Your Life,” what kind of intentions do you think the author has to create this tough circumstance to the hero?
The author may intend to give challenges for the heroine to grow quickly and also intend to put some spice on the story to entertain readers. And most importantly, the author may intend to bring the heroine to a new chapter which is totally new and unknown.
After having this self-dialogue, Mihoko got back to the positive mindset of Hero of Story, put herself free from the victim mindset. She resumed focusing more on what she can control by herself.
We all are a hero of the story called “My Life”.
Act as you wish the hero to act.
Think as if you are the author of the story.
Then every situation becomes precious to make the story adventurous.
Every person becomes an essential character to make the story moving.