A Coaching Power Tool Created by Maria Tsangaridou
(Confidence Coach, CYPRUS)
Everything is about perspectives. One of the most important Power Tools is Reframing Perspectives as many of our perspectives are helping and support our life choices. However, knowing the rest ICA Power Tools and use them according to clients challenge it is also very useful.
Why do I believe that? Simply because of what we think, we become. In our everyday life, we inevitably face lots of different events, challenges and situations. It is how we see these particular events that determine how our perspectives are designed. Our way of thinking (mindset) is a result of how we see things happening around us.
What is the mindset?
Let’s keep it simple for now. Mindset is a way of thinking. It is the thoughts and believes that shapes your habits. For instance, thinking like “I never give up no matter what” keeps you moving towards your goals and create specific actions that help your intent to succeed.
Reframing perspective and mindset.
In one of my interviews, I explained why people are not completing their task or achieving their goals and that is because their psychology sucks.
Tony Robins says: “80% is psychological reasons and 20% strategic reasons”.
How do you change your psychology? And I don’t mean being positive, but smart.
By changing your point of view, your perspective.
Some examples of perspectives are the economy these days, the weather is not helping, I am not ready for that, I am too old for this, it’s the third country…etc.
Do you have the mindset for growth?
The BATA story: “When I first visited Africa in 1978 I toured the wild north of Kenya. In tiny villages and markets along the way, I kept seeing signs for Bata, the shoe company. When it came to indications of commercial product dominance in these flyblown, out of the way spots, Bata was in evidence far more than any other maker of anything. I vaguely wondered why at the time, and later was told this tale, in explanation. At the end of the nineteenth century, just as colonial Africa was opening up as a market, all the manufacturers of shoes in Victorian England sent their representatives to Africa to see if there might be an opportunity there for their wares. All duly came back in time with the same answer. ‘Nobody in Africa wears shoes. So, there is no market for our products there.” All, that is, save for the Bata rep. He came back saying, ‘Nobody in Africa wears shoes. So, there’s a huge market for our products in Africa!”
This is a powerful example of how every one of us can change their perspectives. Change their way of thinking. So, what serves you best to think, even in the most extreme events?
In coaching it is essential to help clients reframe their perspectives. It all starts when the coach helps the client discover that there is more than one way of looking in a certain situation or event. For example, if a woman lost her job, a very common thought that might come to her mind is that “I am not worthy anymore”, “I am a loser in my husband’s eyes” etc.
It is crucial to explain what PERSPECTIVE means to the client in order to absorb the value of it into her own situation. Reframing perspectives can shift by asking some of the following powerful questions:
- How does this perspective is helping you today?
- If you could change something on your perspective what would that be?
- What do you think is missing in order to change your perspective?
- What do you believe is a smart perspective to follow?
- What do you want?
- How do you think that can help you with your goal?
Asking these questions clients are following a discovery path of their own words.
By creating the right mindset, you are building your mind with beliefs. Beliefs are ideas that you feel so certain in a way they become you. In addition, when that belief is injected in your mind they become emotions that create your behaviour.
“When your idea feels certain, it becomes a belief.”
To put it simply:
Thoughts (ideas) -> Emotions (feelings) -> Behavior (result) = Mindset
The most powerful perspective for me is “I am what I think. I become what my thoughts are. So, I choose to think in a way that will give me extraordinary results.”
What happens in real life:
“Events are showing up in our everyday life without any notice and that is the reality of life. One day you open your eyes you get dressed for work, say good morning to your dog who loves you unconditionally, open the windows and smell the flowers in your back yard, listening to the birds singing their everyday melody. You take your back, your Mac and go to the car. Of course, you take your dog with you (as it is a family business) get in the car and drive to the office. You have your first coffee as every day around 9.00 am and you smile to the elder neighbour couple across the road. I worked with my husband and his father so we had our chat during the day, my little one (the dog) who’s name is Pashi was rubbing to my feet and looked at me with a weird smile. He is so quiet these days.
Oh, my husband’s aunt came from London and she visit us at the office. I offered her a couple of tea and we sat in the yard and having our little chat for about an hour. We were talking about dogs! She was telling me that her daughter loves dogs and that she had a neighbour in Luton who had a really cute and small dog, unknown breed and every day her owner was taking her for a walk and wearing her some fancy ribbons around her neck. That moment, as always Pashi was under my feet’s. He always running behind me wherever I go. I took him in my arms and explain to my husband’s aunt that I really feel he is my son, as I feed him, bath him, play him and taking after him. I and my husband spent so much energy on him without bothering us. We adore him. I was in front of her and she could see that unconditional love. Again I gave him a kiss and told him “You are my prince and mamma loves you!”
A couple of hours later as we were sitting in the office with my father in law I looked instantaneously under my office and looking for Pashi. I said, “Where is he?”. In seconds we listened to loud noise. It was definitely a car that stopped abruptly. I saw my father in law looking with an anxious face and run outside, I run after him. It was Pashi and was hit by a car. He immediate died. “
That event occurred at an unpredictable time.
Everyone reacted differently according to their perspectives and beliefs. I and my husband were devastated and days after we still needed to pass the face of mourn.
I mentioned before that almost every day I was waking up and pay all my attention to my dog, love my dog, say “I love you” to my dog. I never mentioned my husband when I was talking about communication behaviours. The challenge here was first to accept the fact that our dog dies and that we can still communicate without through someone else. We felt empty, not talking to each other and every day we cry remembering all the good times we had with our dog and that life was unfair.
My husband’s perspectives were that it was his fault that the dog dies because he was parking at the office at that time and the dog saw him and run towards him. He was blaming himself that he shouldn’t let me take the dog to the office that day. He mentioned hundreds of times that this wasn’t fair and he deserved to live more.
My perspectives, of course, were that life is not fair and it was a sad event happened to us. However, having experienced many pet losses I believed that no matter how much I loved him it was his time to go finding my elder female dog Sindy who passed away 8 months before and were very good friends. I also believe that all dogs go to heaven (like the movie)!
A challenge circumstance that I was facing that time was my husband’s reaction in our dogs’ loss. He was crying more than me and he was seeking my attention to calm him down. There was a moment that I become furious as I believed that “This was my dog and after we got married you had it like your dog”. I was thinking “How a man can cry more than a woman like that?” “He is weak”.
Yeah! I said all that. Now I also said to him “Now it’s the time to take care of me and not be taking care of you. This is beyond my powers right now. I really need you strong”.
After some weeks later, when I calmed down I realise that my husband loves this dog even if he wasn’t his own.
He put so much energy on him, taking care of him because it was my dog and that shows how much he loves me first.
I really understand that this was his first pet who paid so much attention to how to treat a dog and how to communicate with him.
It was the first time that he was responsible for someone.
Changing other’s way of thinking:
- That was the second time my grandmother experience one of our pet’s loss. That time though was different. She mentioned that “I really don’t like dogs in the house but this dog was different. I can understand your pain, I loved him too.” She also believes that it was only a dog and accidents happen to children on the roads as well.
- Everyone around me said that this is a good time to take a new dog or thinking better to have a baby with my husband.
- My husband now is thinking that it happened for a reason and start to accept the fact that the neighbourhood filled with new dogs. He is ready to exams our relationship and he is willing to move on with his life without a dog.
- My perspective goes like that: It happened for sure because it was the end of his circle of life. That is giving me the chance to re-exam my relationship with my husband and find out what is that is missing from our marriage to be happy. I also think that I appreciate more my husband’s values and beliefs without want him to change in a way that would make him happy, but to improve his way of thinking in a positive way for him. Of course, I am willing to grow my mindset and spending my time developing my intelligence and talent instead of using a fixed mindset.
In a fixed mindset, people believe their basic qualities, like their intelligence or talent, are simply fixed traits. They spend their time documenting their intelligence or talent instead of developing them. They also believe that talent alone creates success—without effort. They’re wrong.
In a growth mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment. Virtually all great people have had these qualities.
For me, the most familiar point of view when it comes to a situation and especially in the above case is the feeling of insecurity along with fear. It is our mind’s defence mood (reaction) when it recognises that we are about to face danger or something that will make us feel uncomfortable to stop us and keep us safe. That is when you overthinking and analysing something that your guts are telling you that is right for you. You will find hundreds of reasons why you shouldn’t take that risk. This is how our mind reacts (fixed mindset).
An alternative point of view, perspective, mindset could be risk and confidence.
Insecurity vs Confidence
Insecurity can describe the mindset of someone who has affected by his/her underlying beliefs. That believes might create many years ago, most of them when we were children. The feeling of fear to take the next step to your relationship because you will get hurt, the belief that all men are the same affects your behaviour to men around you. It is the state of being open to danger and fear, you can say lack of confidence.
Emotional insecurity or simply insecurity is a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving of oneself to be vulnerable or inferior in some way or a sense of vulnerability or instability which threatens one’s self-image or ego.
Confidence is the art and skill to have faith in yourself. It is the certainty about things you want to achieve and by realizing that obstacles might come you are determined, dedicate and discipline to achieve your desired goal. Confidence creates productivity, attracts people and you are able to share your vulnerabilities. Confidence is courage actions that are building your personality and your way of thinking day by day. People with confidence are able to let go of negative events or circumstances and move forward learning from their past always a lesson.
Our mindset shapes what lies behind us, before us, and within us.
What would you choose as the path in your life, Mindset or Nevermind?