Valuing means looking at others in positive ways that benefit both of you.
Self-application
Be curious, not judgmental.
Walt Whitman
We’ve all heard the saying “Birds of a feather flock together.” People with similar interests or shared characteristics group together. It’s human nature to surround yourself with people who value you and what you stand for. Doing so gives us a sense of belonging—another uniquely human trait. But as much as we seek to belong, we ought to be equally open to appreciate the differences in others who seem to “belong” to other groups.
By becoming more self-aware and accepting that within us, we may become more accepting of that without us. By looking inward as we look outward, we can come to know thyself and others better. We can achieve this by self-reflection.
Self-reflection
- How many times have I formed an impression of someone before I got to know him?
- How many times did people who barely knew me judge me? How did I feel?
- How many times did I feel grief because I was judged or misunderstood?
- In the past 24 hours, where and how did I choose to judge a person rather than appreciate and find value in her?
- In what areas of my life does judging show up?
- In what areas of my life do appreciation and valuing show up?
- What role does judging play in my life?
- How do my own prejudices get in the way and influence my judgment of someone?
- What judgments am I making right now that might not be warranted?
- If I could suspend my judgment, what can I find valuable?
- What can I stop doing and start doing right now that would align with my core values?
- How could I be more loving and accepting of the situation/person?
- What can I do to be more aware and how could that energy be put to better use?
- How is my judgment serving me?
- What prompted the judgment that I had of this situation/person?
- How could I replace the judgment with a more accepting/compassionate thought?
- Who would I be without the judgment?
- What are some techniques I can develop to be open to other ways of thinking/doing?
- What did I judge? What are the reasons for this judgment?
- How can I value this individual?
- What actions can I take not to judge? Of those actions, which am I willing to take right now?
- Where could I be more forgiving or understanding?
- What could I do differently next time I start feeling this way?
- What would it take to improve in this area?
- Aside from appearance, what do I know about this individual (i.e., background, situation)?
Coaching application
One of the core competencies of coaching is establishing trust and intimacy with the client; creating a safe environment while helping an individual examine or re-examine underlying beliefs or issues that may detrimentally inform that individual’s life and the consequent possibilities or limitations. We do this by demonstrating respect for the client’s perception, learning style, and being. When working with a client, we must be very careful and always aware of our past experiences, core values, and our own potential judgments. When we focus more on valuing and appreciating, we focus more on enjoying the other person. Coaching is a process that applies tools and techniques to help others, and be a champion for new behaviors and actions by being fully present and listening. Thus, suspending judgment is critical in the coaching relationship, and an excellent way to coach by example.
Coaching Reflection
The coach may ask herself many of the same questions asked of the client in addition to:
- Am I projecting my own viewpoint or being compassionate?
- How do I ensure that I am not judging the individual and the situation/challenge?
- Am I judging or valuing this person’s statements and views?
- How can I move past any judgment toward behavior that is positive?
- How do I deal with judgments and biases?
- Do I have enough information about this person?
- Am I forgetting that I am not perfect?
- What kind of tools can I use to shift the individual’s perspective from judging to valuing?
- How do I prepare before a coaching session to ensure that I value the individual and stay in the moment?