A Coaching Power Tool By Jennifer Walker, Life Coach, UNITED STATES
The Power Tool of Expectation vs. Acceptance
Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is — especially when you don’t like it — and then work wisely and effectively as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed. (Jon Kabat-Zinn, 2005, p. 407)
The Power Tool of Expectation vs. Acceptance is utilized to help clients shift from an expectation of what “should” be to an acceptance of what “is.” By shifting perspectives, clients can transform from a place of disappointment, self-doubt, and self-criticism to one of satisfaction, compassion, and self-acceptance. In a world in which we are constantly barraged by messages and images of success, perfection, and ideals, it is imperative we identify the internalized expectations that may be driving us, consciously and unconsciously. Coaches are in a unique position to help clients break free from their expectations and limiting beliefs in a way that allows for a state of acceptance and growth.
In my experience working with adolescent girls and young women, many of the issues they bring to coaching often distill into a conflict between expectation and acceptance. A client may be unknowingly caught in a pattern of thinking and behaving based on her expectations, beliefs, comparisons, and ideals. Her expectation of self or circumstance may relate to her personal history and family of origin, her community of friends and colleagues, or larger societal messaging. She is caught in constant comparison to others and finds herself lacking. These expectations can lead to debilitating self-criticism, negative coping patterns, and compromised mental health.
Introducing the concept of acceptance to defy these expectations is counter to what most clients think should happen. Indeed, it seems counterintuitive. However, through coaching a client can begin to identify and dismantle their underlying beliefs. A client can begin to separate her expectations from her values and begin to accept parts of herself. She can learn to be present in a way that allows for authenticity and sets the stage for self-acceptance, self-love, and self-compassion.
Expectation vs. Acceptance: What’s the Difference
Expectation
The Oxford Languages Dictionary defines expectation as:
- a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future,
- a belief that someone will or should achieve something.
The Brittanica Dictionary defines expectation as:
- a belief that something will happen or is likely to happen,
- a feeling or belief about how successful, good, etc., someone or something will be.
In both definitions, the word expectation is defined as a “belief.” Beliefs are formed by thoughts that we understand to be true based on our experiences and what is told to us. As our thoughts are continually validated throughout our lives, both internally and externally, they get stored as fact. Many of us have beliefs that go back to our families of origin and our childhood. These become the lens through which we see ourselves.
Beliefs are also heavily impacted by our community and the culture we live in, both of which are constantly sending us messages about how we are expected to look, feel, and behave. Often, these beliefs are operating in the background of our consciousness and unintentionally drive our expectations. We may feel that if we are able to meet these expectations, we will have achieved self-worth and thereby be protected from judgment or rejection. Unfortunately, the reality is the opposite – the more we strive to meet these expectations, the more defeated and unworthy we feel.
In my coaching practice, I work with many clients who struggle with their self-confidence and body image. They often come into a session with a deflated sense of self-based on their expectations of appearance. They have beliefs about what they should look like to be considered beautiful, desirable, and worthy. It might be that they grew up in a family that placed a lot of emphasis on weight or body size which resulted in comments of approval or disapproval. Or they may be caught in an ongoing pattern of comparing themselves to others in school, at work, or on social media. Indeed, it is difficult to escape the internalization of expectation considering our culture’s obsession with physical appearance – the ideal body shape and size, flawless skin without blemishes or wrinkles, stylish clothing, perfect hair, etc. If my client’s expectation is that she should, or must, achieve and possess certain ideals, she understandably feels ashamed, discouraged, and unworthy by comparison.
Through coaching, I can help my clients to identify their specific expectations. I can assist them in exploring their underlying beliefs and understanding where they came from. They can then decide if these expectations are relevant and consistent with their values. By exploring and transforming underlying beliefs and expectations, my clients are free to begin the journey to acceptance, confidence, and self-compassion. Questions to assist this process may include:
- What is your current expectation for yourself?
- What is your understanding of this expectation?
- What are the underlying beliefs supporting this expectation?
- If you maintain this expectation, what are the possible consequences?
- Are these expectations consistent with your values?
- What would happen if you changed your expectation of self into acceptance of self?
Acceptance
The Oxford Languages Dictionary defines acceptance as:
- the action or process of being received as adequate or suitable, typically to be admitted into a group.
The Brittanica Dictionary defines acceptance as:
- the quality or state of being accepted or acceptable.
And, according to the Cambridge Dictionary, acceptance is defined as:
- a general agreement that something is satisfactory or right.
Acceptance is often a difficult concept to understand and achieve. It is commonly assumed that acceptance means to resign or to settle. We believe that if we accept something as is, it will not change. The irony is, however, that it is from the acceptance that we become free to grow. When we can accept ourselves and others, we are able to assess our current reality and make decisions from there. Complete acceptance requires us to sit with our thoughts and emotions, both positive and negative, in a way in which we can find peace. This process can be intensely uncomfortable and often runs counter to our natural inclination to avoid, distract or otherwise defend from negative thoughts and emotions. Developing a new relationship with the discomfort is a critical step in the path toward acceptance.
Coaching can be an important support in navigating this transformational process. We can help our clients learn the practice of mindfulness by asking them about their self-awareness in session – awareness of their thoughts, their emotions, and their physical sensations. We can hold the space so that they can learn to identify and tolerate the experience of being present without judgment. It is being in this moment that clients begin to center themselves and understand their authentic selves. They are then free to rid themselves of the thoughts of who they think they should be, but rather sit with the acceptance of who they are – the strengths and challenges, achievements and failures, beauty and imperfections – allowing for more intentional beliefs, thoughtful choices and increased self-compassion.
Through our coaching, we can assist clients to explore the concept of acceptance by asking questions such as:
- What if you could accept things just as they are?
- How does it feel to sit with this acceptance?
- Where do you experience this in your body?
- What happens when you sit with this experience?
- What might change if you were able to accept this?
- What are (self) acceptance statements that might be useful for you?
The Power Tool of Expectation vs. Acceptance assists a shift in perspective from what should be to what is. Through the utilization of this Power Tool in coaching, I can assist my clients to tease apart the beliefs that are supporting their expectations in a way that promotes healing and growth while simultaneously building ownership of acceptance, both of themselves and their circumstances. Expectation vs. Acceptance is an integral part of my coaching model – I.A.M.(I Accept Myself) – in which I support my clients to build a foundation of self-acceptance that can support their increased confidence, self-compassion, and self-love.
References
Acceptance, 2022. In Britannica Dictionary. Retrieved February 25, 2022
Acceptance, 2022. In Cambridge Dictionary. Retrieved February 25, 2022
Acceptance, 2022. In Oxford Languages Dictionary. Retrieved February 25, 2022
Expectation, 2022. In Britannica Dictionary. Retrieved February 25, 2022
Expectation, 2022. In Oxford Languages Dictionary. Retrieved February 25, 2022, from
Kabat-Zinn, J. (2005). Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World Through Mindfulness. Hyperion Publishers.