A Coaching Power Tool Created by Ashley Gork
(Career Coach, UNITED STATES)
Abstract:
The purpose of this article is to help coaches recognize and change their clients’ perspectives from envy to emulate. In this article, envy is used as a noun that represents a stagnant and self-‐deprecating feeling. Conversely, emulate is an action-‐inspiring verb that encourages clients to recognize the skills and attributes that they admire in others and to take action to achieve those qualities for themselves. The article will introduce the history and entomology of both words, while providing helpful tips and exercises to help clients change perspectives.
Introduction: World of Instagram
I have an Instagram account.
I admit this after initial hesitation because like so many of its users, I only use the app to do one of two things: I either post a super cool Valencia-‐ or Sierra-‐filtered photo of my dog or I shamefully look at others’ photos and feel like I am missing out on life. After all, I’m not sipping Coronas at an outdoor barbeque, doing yoga on the beach, attending a music festival, eating exotic food, exploring Dubai or getting engaged.
No, I’m just aimlessly looking at my phone.
The world of Instagram is a world of comparison. Although the academic literature on this five-‐year-‐old app is scarce, several studies have shown that the casual browsing of social media sites can encourage users to have strong feelings of loneness and depression. “It’s a lonely business, wandering the labyrinths of our friends’ and pseudo-‐friends’ projected identities, trying to figure out what part of ourselves we ought to project, who will listen, and what they will hear,” wrote Atlantic contributor Stephen Marche. Two studies out from German universities confirmed that the act of “passive following” on social media can also trigger rampant feelings of envy and resentment, with vacation photos acting as the main catalyst for many users. These feelings can then encourage an envy cycle, according to researcher Hanna Krasnova from the University of Bern.
“If you see beautiful photos of your friend on Instagram, one way to compensate is to self-‐present with even better photos, and then your friend sees your photos and posts even better photos, and so on,” Krasnova told Slate Magazine. “Self-‐promotion triggers more self-‐promotion, and the world on social media gets further and further from reality.”
While the side effects of this self-‐loathing hangover are brutal, 300 million people still actively compete and compare themselves on Instagram. One possible explanation for this phenomenon is what social psychologist Leon Festinger dubbed the #socialcomparisontheory. This theory centers on the belief that humans are innately driven to gain accurate self-‐evaluations by comparing themselves with people who are similar. For example, a journalist is much more likely to compare himself to a fellow reporter than to a chef, guitarist, engineer, philosopher or baker. This is because a similar point of reference can allow him to have a greater sense of accuracy within his own self-‐evaluation. The journalist can then either use a #upwardcomparison, assessing himself in relation to a Pulitzer Prize winner, or a #downwardcomparison, discerning his qualities against a struggling copywriter. While both can offer benefits for one’s sense of self, psychologists have found that when individuals make social comparisons while they are experiencing a setback or threat to their self-‐esteem, both types can become damaging to the psyche. Upward comparisons have shown to be demoralizing and upsetting, leaving people to feel inadequate, while downward comparisons have proven to be limiting and restrictive when it comes to self-‐improvement.
Social psychologists confirm that as humans, we will naturally compare ourselves to others despite the negative side effects that this action might bring. While we are unable to stop this self-‐deprecating act, we do have the power to change the way we view those comparisons. I propose that the solution (aside from shutting down all of our accounts) involves a radical perspective change from feelings of envy to the act of emulation.
History and Entomology
En·∙vy Noun: a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck. Verb: desire to have a quality, possession, or other desirable attribute belonging to.
The word “envy” has a long history dating back to the 13th century Latin word “invidia.” Associated with the evil eye, invidia meant to look upon someone with hostility, resentment and jealousy. The ancient Greeks and Romans translated the word to personified cruel goddesses in separate mythologies. Envy also played a major role within the Book of Genesis, where it is said to be the motivation behind Cain’s killing of his brother, Abel. It is also considered one of the Catholic Church’s Seven Deadly Sins.
In Islam, envy is seen as an impurity of the heart that can destroy good deeds. In Hinduism, it is a disastrous emotion that can cause the mind to loose balance. Buddhists also use the term “irshya,” which is commonly translated to envy, to refer to one of the fourteen unwholesome mental factors within the Theravada Abhidharma teachings. Here, it is considered a state of mind in which one is highly motivated to obtain honor and wealth for oneself, while being unable to accept excellence in others.
In Islam, envy is seen as an impurity of the heart that can destroy good deeds. In Hinduism, it is a disastrous emotion that can cause the mind to loose balance. Buddhists also use the term “irshya,” which is commonly translated to envy, to refer to one of the fourteen unwholesome mental factors within the Theravada Abhidharma teachings. Here, it is considered a state of mind in which one is highly motivated to obtain honor and wealth for oneself, while being unable to accept excellence in others.
From these voices and many others, we know the negative connotations and the effects of envy. However, we also know that the seductive green goddess always has a way of popping up every time a coworker gets a raise, a friend gets a date or a distant relative wins big on the gambling table. We know Envy, but that doesn’t mean we have to like her.
Em·∙u·∙late Verb: match or surpass (a person or achievement), typically by imitation.
The origin of the word “emulation” came from the Latin word “aemulatus,” which originally meant “to rival.” It later transformed into “aemulat,” a word interchangeably used for “rivaled” and “equaled,” before taking on its modern spelling and definition in the late 16th century. Chinese philosopher Confucius preached the idea of emulation in several of his teachings. One of his most profound quotes was, “When you see a worthy person, endeavor to emulate him. When you see an unworthy person, then examine your inner self.” Machiavelli also famously described emulation with the following example: “Men nearly always follow the tracks made by others and proceed in their affairs by imitation, even though they cannot entirely keep to the tracks of others or emulate the prowess of their models. So a prudent man should always follow in the footsteps of great men and imitate those who have been outstanding. If his own prowess fails to compare with theirs, at least it has an air of greatness about it.”
As seen in these examples and countless others, emulation is viewed as positive and encouraged response to the recognition of excellence in others. The act of emulating another is also strongly supported in psychological theory of Neuro-‐Linguistic Programming (NLP.) Developed by Richard Bandler and John Grinder in the 1970s, the NLP approach sites a connection between the neurological processes, language and behavior patterns that are learned through experience. Its methodology claims that the skills and qualities of exceptional people can be modeled and thus acquired by anyone to achieve specific goals. This act of modeling, or emulating, is seen as a powerful and effective way for people to achieve the greatness that they see in others.
From envy to emulate
There is no doubt that there is a strong difference between the connotations of envy and those of emulation. If Envy and Emulate both had Instagram accounts, Envy’s photos would be full of beautiful people lounging on yachts out on the Mediterranean Sea with resting-‐bitch-‐faces that say, “You can’t sit with us.” Conversely, Emulate’s photos would be jammed backed with inspirational quotes and tips on how to kick butt in your career, love life and beyond. The two would not be friends.
As coaches, it is important for us to recognize when a client is sharing feelings of envy so that we can help to transform that bitter perspective to the action-‐packed viewpoint of emulate. We know that envy is useless at best and self-‐defeating and worst, and that feelings of envy can leave people to feel depressed and stagnant. Emulation, on the other hand, encourages actions that can have positive effects in learning, goal-‐setting and personal development. This is where we want our clients to be. But first, we must recognize when we are hearing envy from our clients. Key phrases to listen for include:
“I wish I had my sister’s body.” “I will never get the same respect or opportunities as my coworker.” “Guys always hit on my best friend. She is way funnier than me.” “There is no way I’ll ever be as successful as my cousins.”
Note the commonalities among these sentences. Here, the clients are sharing self-‐defeating comments without any resolve or intention of improvement. The clients are announcing their loss, arguing that this is just how the world works. As coaches, it is our job to recognize this pattern and to offer some powerful question that can help our clients more from having a stationary viewpoint to an action-‐inspired perspective. The first step is asking the client to identify what exactly it is that they admire about the other person. Once armed with this information, we can help the client decide if she wants the same qualities or skills for herself. This may involve a significant back-‐and-‐ forth conversation about the client’s goals, values, priorities and strengths. If the client seems truly committed to emulating the desired attribute of the other person, her coach can then suggest that the client research more information on the daily habits and viewpoints of the other person, thus engaging in NLP behaviors. The client can then decide if she wants to take on these behaviors for herself and is well on her way to a path of emulation. Once in motion, the client has moved from being stagnant and negative to being hopeful and in action. She has moved away from feelings of envy and into a place of emulation, where she can actively pursue a path that will help her to achieve her goals.
Questions to ask your client
- “What is it exactly that you admire about X…?”
- “What do you think it takes to achieve X?”
- “If you had X in your life, what would change?”
- “What would be the first step you could take to take you down a path towards X?”
- “How will you remain in action as you pursue X?”