Acknowledgement, celebration:
When a client makes a small step towards forgiveness that act can be acknowledged. Forgiveness can be a long process, so it is good to acknowledge the small steps along the path. For example, if someone has a new realization that forgiveness is for themselves and not the other person, that can be a point of acknowledgement.
Coaching agenda
Getting the client to forgive someone must never be the agenda of the coach. The client may not be ready for forgiveness, or may not want forgiveness as the solution to the hurt and pain they are feeling. Coaching around forgiveness is only an option if it is the client’s agenda. The coach must always hold the client’s agenda.
Resources
Appendix B contains a list of websites, books, organizations, on-line courses, stories, exercises and worksheets that can support the coaching process.
Conclusion
Forgiveness is a powerful coaching tool that is often underutilized. If forgiveness fits within the client’s agenda, a coach can be a supportive and trusting ear for the client to share the feelings around the grievance; the coach can uncover underlying beliefs that are blocking the possibility of forgiveness; the coach and client can generate new perspectives to view the grievance and help the client find new ways how to move past the grievance. Forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, depression and stress and leads to feelings of hope, peace, and compassion as well as improve physical health.
Appendix A: Process of Forgiveness
Enright, R. (2001). or
Enright, R. (2001) Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-By-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope. Washington, D.C.: APA Life Tools
Through his research, Enright has developed a 20 step process of interpersonal forgiving. The four larger phases of this 20-step process, copied directly from the web-site above, are shown below:
“Uncovering Phase – Acknowledge the pain and hurt. Let your emotions out with someone you trust. When someone listens to you the pain is more bearable, and it allows you to vent the emotions. As the feelings are brought into the open healing can begin to occur.
a. Decision Phase
- The individual now realizes that focussing on the injury and the injurer will lead to more suffering. The decision is made to focus on the healing rather than the hurt.
- Change must occur, and forgiveness is seen as a potential step towards healing. There is awareness about the idea of forgiveness is in awareness, and this idea is explored.
- At this stage it is important for the individual to let go of thoughts, feelings, or intentions of revenge. In fact the best revenge is to live a happy and successful life.
- Look for the hook is that is holding you back. What is it about the misdeed that is causing you to hold on to your anger and resentment.
b. Work Phase
The active work of forgiving the injurer begins.
- The individual may try to see things in a different perspective. For example, maybe the injurer had a difficult childhood, or event, that contributed to the circumstances. This does not imply that reconciliation takes place, but just that new ways of thinking are introduced. Empathy and compassion toward the offender may be possible.
- The individual also accepts the pain that resulted from the actions of the injurer, bears the pain, and chooses not to pass it on to others, including the injurer.
- Life is very complex, and there are very few things that are 100% bad. What good things emerged as a result of this injury? Change perspective and consider what positive things resulted from this. Was there a change in you?
- Thoughts are about the future, and about the person the individual wants to become.
c. Outcome/Deepening Phase
The forgiving individual realizes that he/she is gaining emotional relief from the forgiving his/her injurer. The forgiving individual may also see some meaning in what happened – some personal growth or change. The combination of emotional relief and new meaning may lead to increased compassion for others.
Thus, the forgiver discovers the paradox of forgiveness: as we give to others the gifts of mercy, generosity, and moral love, we ourselves are healed.
Appendix B: Resources
Self-forgiveness Exercises
Forgiveness Worksheets and downloads
http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/contentnew/downloads.html
On-line course
http://stanfordhospital.org/clinicsmedServices/clinics/complementaryMedicine/scimForegiveness.html
Forgiveness Stories
CBC episode on Forgiveness: People telling stories about things they have forgiven.
www.cbc.ca/dnto/episode/2010/02/22/listen-to-dnto-feb-20-forgiveness
Hutchison, K. (2006). Walking After Midnight: One Woman's Journey Through Murder, Justice and Forgiveness . Canada: Raincoast Books.
Websites
http://learningtoforgive.com/
Organizations
The Stanford Forgiveness Project
International Forgiveness Institute: http://www.internationalforgiveness.com/
Books
Luskin, F. M. (2001). Forgive for good: A proven prescription for health and happiness. San
Francisco: Harper.
Marcus, G. (2010). The Power of Forgiveness. Sapients.Net
Tipping, C. (2010) Radical Forgiveness: A Revolutionary Five Stage Process. Colorado: Sounds
True, Inc.
References
Enright, R. (2001) Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-By-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope. Washington, D.C.: APA Life Tools
Hamilton, J. (2001, May/June). Peace Work. Retrieved from Stanford Magazine: www.stanfordalumni.org/news/magazine/2001/mayjun/features/forgiveness.html
Hutchison, K. (2006). Walking After Midnight: One Woman's Journey Through Murder, Justice
and Forgiveness. Canada: Raincoast Books.
Luskin, F. M. (2001). Forgive for good: A proven prescription for health and happiness. San Francisco: Harper. Or http://learningtoforgive.com/9-steps/ Luskin, F. M. (2004). The effect of forgiveness training on physical and emotional well-being. In M. Schlitz, T. Amorak, & M. Micozzi (Eds.), Consciousness and healing: Integral approaches to mind body medicine. New York: CV Mosby.
Luskin, F.M., Thoresen, C., Harris, A., Standard, S., Benisovich, S., Bruning J., & Evans, S. (2001). Effects of group forgiveness intervention on perceived stress, state and trait anger, self reported health, symptoms of stress and forgiveness. Alternative Therapies in Health and Medicine, 7, 106.
Mayo Clinic Staff (2001). Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness. Retrieved from Mayo Clinic: www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131