- Journaling change
Journaling at the day’s end to examine scenarios and process such key questions creates change by rewriting the story and replaying what could be thought, or acted upon in a new way (Silsbee 2008, p.236).
- Choose or react path
Pinned on a wall for daily viewing a ‘choice map’ also acts as a visual cue. The map is a cross-road where a person can choose a ‘choose’ path or a ‘react’ path. The chooser is a ‘learner’ who has thoughtful choices, is solution-focused and relates in a win-win approach whereas the reactive person is a judger with automatic reactions, blame focused and win-lose relating (Adams 2009, pp. 38-39).
- Needs vs misbehavior power tool
If parents view their children as behaving to get a need met rather than as misbehaving, they are more likely to view them as learners, helpers, competent, resourceful, developing. They then tend to be solution focused in supporting their child to get their needs met. This frees them to be appreciative, unconditional, respectful, and role models of the very qualities they want for their children. (Kohn 2005, p. 25) The power tool ‘needs vs misbehavior’ can be written and left in a place to be viewed regularly as a visual cue to reframe perspectives.
A parent could decide to change thinking from, “My child is such a pain. I’m always yelling at her” to
My child is learning to manage her emotions. I role model empathy and guide her assertively.
When parents identify their own needs they can resolve much accumulated stress and tension and feel more in control by taking assertive action to meet their own needs and not ‘take it out’ on the children.
- The ‘chair’ metaphor
Needs can be quickly identified using the visual of a chair with four legs as applied to Dr William Glasser’s ‘Choice Theory’ (1998, pp. 26-30). The seat of the chair represents survival, while each leg stands for a need. This chair varies from person to person as the thickness of each leg varies in ratio depending on internal needs: 1. Love and Belonging; 2. Fun; 3. Freedom; 4. Power (self-competence and identity). The chair gets ‘wobbly’ when needs are not being met.
- Visualizing strengths
Unmet needs often precipitate angry moments and habit replacement is possible but will often fail. The key is belief. It is not enough for parents to want to believe. They need to believe that things will get better and that they can cope. A strengths based approach inviting parents to visualize what has worked well for them in the past and to visualize equal success in the future, what they want, will strengthen belief in themselves. More than that studies reveal the importance of social groups in supporting the person’s habit change. (Duhigg 2012, p 160). Asking the parent who can support them, and writing out this list helps accountability.
BRINGING IT ALL TOGETHER
ABCC: The ABCC approach synthesizes many of the behavioural-change tools when a parent feels anger rising. The parent can visualize quickly and easily the mnemonic and each step: Acknowledge the anger and feel it subside, Breathe deeply and reaffirm the new beliefs about children and parenting. Visualize what is most wanted – harm or helping. This pause gives the parent time to be Curious about the needs of her child and her own needs as a parent. Next she can make a Choice to use effective assertive parenting skills (Adams 2009, pp. 93-95).
CONCLUSION
Brain research provides clear evidence of how and why habit change is possible. Using visualization and visual cues as part of the coaching process parents can develop somatic and emotional intelligence and the ability to acknowledge and analyze their thoughts and beliefs to expedite habit change from anger to calm-assertive energy.
REFERENCES:
Adams, M 2009, Change your questions change your life: 10 powerful tools for life and work, 2nd edn, Berrett-Koehler Pub, San Francisco, CA
Doidge, N 2010, The brain that changes itself: stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science, revised edn, Scribe Pub Pty Ltd, Carlton North, Vic, Australia.
Duhigg, C 2012, The power of habit: why we do what we do and how to change William Heinmann, London, GB.
Goleman, D 2011, The brain and emotional intelligence: new insights More Than Sound, Northhampton, MA,
Gordon, T 2000, Parent effectiveness training Three Rivers Press, New York, NY.
Glasser, W 1998, Choice theory: a new psychology of personal freedom Harper-Collins Publishers, New York, NY
Judith, A 2004, Eastern body western mind Random House, New York, NY
Kohn, A 2005, Unconditional parenting: moving from rewards and punishments to love and reason Atria Books, New York, NY McKay,M, Fanning, P & Davis, M 1997, Thoughts and feelings: taking control of your moods and your life New Harbinger Pub Inc, Oakland, CA.
Semmelroth, C & Smith, D 2004, The anger habit: proven principles to calm the stormy mind Sourcebooks Inc, Naperville, Illinois
Siegel, D & Hartzell, M 2004, Parenting from the inside out: how a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive Penguin, New York, NY.
Siegel, D & Payne Bryson,T 2011,The whole brain child Delacorte Press, New York, NY.
Silsbee, D 2008, Presence-based coaching: cultivating self-generative leaders through mind, body and heart A Wiley Imprint, San Francisco,
Stoltzfus, T 2008, Coaching questions: a coach’s guide to powerful asking questions Tony Stoltzfus, Virginia Beach, VA,
Thich Nhat Hanh 2012, The art of mindfulness Harper Collins Pub. Inc, New York, NY.
Websites
Compassion meditation,
NLP & the importance of the subconscious mind,
NLP, positive thinking & visualization,
Appendix
Parent survey questions by Kathryn Tonges
- What is your preferred emotional state/s when you interact with your child?
- What is your emotional state you dislike most when you interact with your child?
- What are the main triggers for your disliked emotional state?
- On reflection what thoughts are in your mind just prior to your triggers?
- What ideas have you used that have worked in making a change from your disliked emotional state to your preferred state?
- Would you like to learn new ways to make this change and if so why?