My Coaching Model:R.I.S.E. To Bloom
R: Rediscover yourself.
I: Inspire positivity.
S: Set into action.
E: Empower triumph.
Tools used to implement the Model:
- Self inquiry.
- Appreciative inquiry.
- Shifting perspective.
- Visualization.
All tools were undertaken with active listening and powerful questioning throughout the entire12 sessions.
Self inquiry:
Evaluate thoughts, feelings and underlying beliefs
Q: How do you view your daughter?
A: She’s spoiled, uncooperative and disrespectful. Always angry and love to get her way. She is distant and doesn’t spend time with us. She’s slow not smart as…. She loves her father more because he had never punished her for anything…….. She lies all the time, she doesn’t care……
In her power tool; “Need vs Misbehavior” (icoachacademy) Kathryn Tonges stated that;
How we view our children influences our interactions with them and affect their development, when we view our children as misbehaving, we are likely to view children as problems, culprits, deficient, a product and a recipient. We tend to be problem focused, judgmental, blameful and punitive.
Yet when we view our children as behaving to get a need met, we are more likely to view them as learner, helper, resourceful, creative and researcher.
Changing thoughts required self reflection and powerful questions to uncover underlying beliefs; I followed with the below questions:
- What needs to you think Amal is trying to meet by her behavior?
- What characteristics would you like Amal to develop?
- What qualities do you think are important for you to have as a parent to help her to achieve that?
- What do you think validates lying in her opinion? What can you do to make her feel secure?
- What are your rules for successful parenting?
- How important following your Culture is for you? How important is it for your daughter? How can you bridge the gap?
She began to evaluate her thoughts, and underlying beliefs with some of the following statements : “children should be obedient” “ I should be in control” “I should be a better parent” “Amal will face criticism and alienation from her community and family, if she doesn’t behave culturally right”.
Parents tend to judge themselves harshly about their children and this leads to frustrations which tends to intensify the relationship and ruin communication with their children. Amal’s mother started to evaluate objectively her actions and words and how this underlying beliefs, added to the gap between her and Amal.
She discovered that:
- Amal is yearning for love and attention.
- Understanding the language, culture and environment of her children is essential for close relationship.
- There aren’t clear and consistent rules in the house that are agreed upon.
- There is a double standard in rules, when it comes to boys and girls.
- Amal is struggling between two clashing cultures: Western pop culture and her parent’s culture.
Appreciative inquiry:
In her research paper; “ Bridging The Parenting Style Gap, Using Appreciative Inquiry”
Astrid Richardson ( icoachacademy) mentioned 4 cycles of Appreciative Inquiry adapted by the Parent Coaching Institute, which I found it to be very helpful in implementing my own coaching model: R.I.S.E. To Bloom.
The four cycle are:
- Discover – Focus on success, strengths and potentials.
- Dream – Create a clear vision for the desired relationship and encourage the positive feelings that would result from living that preferred future with the children;
- Design – Encourage strategies, ideas, behaviors, parenting exercises, and reflective exercise.
- Destiny – Make sure as a coach the emerging Dream is sustainable, and to acknowledge that deep change has occur and that the parent is a primary cause of this change.
R.I.S.E. To Bloom:
Rediscover yourself:
What’s working for you so far? What are you most proud of as a parent? List one of your strengths you can start from? Tell me your past successes? What are Amal’s positive traits? What is she most complimented on? So far, do you see your expectations as being reasonable?
Inspire positiveness: Visualization
Picture an ideal day with Amal, what would that look like? Where would you go? What would you do? What would the impact of that change be on your life? What a great conversation between you and Amal look like to you?
Start Moving:
The job of the parent, rather than the child, is to play the leadership role in the family
Dr. Michael H.Popkin, PhD.
The mother created a great action plan to improve her relationship with her daughter:
- Spend more time and make efforts to bond with Amal on a personal level.
- Attend after school programs where Amal is involved in.
- Improve her language skills, through ESL programs in the district in order to communicate better with her children.
- Praise Amal’s strengths and positive traits, and stop comparing her to her siblings.
- Try to get involved in her daughter’s environment, by volunteering in PTA; meanwhile, invite her daughter’s friends over to get to know them better.
- Have realistic expectations, do less lecturing, and give alternatives to choose from.
- Allow Amal and her siblings to take part in creating the Family’s Rules and become consistent in applying them and not just imposing them.
- Get Amal’s father involved in Amal’s life.
- Read more about teenage challenges and raising healthy teens.