A Coaching Power Tool Created by Wathenia Gabbard
(Relationship Coach, UNITED STATES)
What is INFLUENCE
The capacity or power of persons or things to be a compelling force on/or produce effects on the actions, behavior, opinions, etc., of others.
To move or impel (a person) to some action:
What is INTERFERENCE?
Involvement in the activities and concerns of other people when your involvement is not wanted: the act of interfering.
The disturbing effect of new learning on the performance of previously learned behavior with which it is inconsistent.
Something that gets in the way as an obstacle.
I once read that the power of life and death are in the tongue.
Whatever is in one’s heart determines what one says.
Our words come out of our hearts and reflects the real us.
We use language to fulfill three primary functions: to label, to interact with others and to transmit information.
The power of words INFLUENCE
Words can heal, strengthen, encourage and build us up. Words create impressions, images and expectations. Since thoughts determine actions, there is a powerful connection between the words we use and the results we get.
Well-chosen words can motivate, offer hope, create vision, and impact thinking and alter results.
Words can make us fall in love. Words build psychological connections. They have the capacity to close the gap between us and other people.
The power of words INTERFERENCE
Bitter words can be difficult to erase.
Bitter words can linger for a lifetime.
Degrading name-calling and harsh ongoing criticism, strip others of their dignity, and leave them feeling self-doubt, hopeless, and worthless. The use of cruel and forceful speech not only offends, it also devalues and discredits the sensibilities and confidence of the one being spoken to.
Let us not lash out based on incomplete or distorted information. Let us be mindful of the risk of falling into the trick of speaking in indignation. Harsh words cause quarrels.
Facts about the tongue
- The tongue knows five taste types
- Taste perception: sweet, sour, bitter, salty and savory
- The tongue can produce more than 90 words per minute
- People rely on the tongue's extreme agility and flexibility to speak
Language of INFLUENCE vs. Language of INTERFERENCE
INFLUENCE Language of freedom to be the self. The voice of love says I choose for you what you choose for you. This voice says you are the expert in your life.
Trust + Choice = Freedom
When we choose INFLUENCE we choose freedom. INFLUENCE leads to responsibility and responsibility leads to trust.
Trust is the glue of life. It is the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships. – Stephen Covey
INTERFERENCE Language of control you must be who I am. The voice of fear says I get to choose for you. This voice says I am the expert in your life.
Doubt + Fear = Control
When we fear we are in doubt of ultimate outcome.
Not all those who wander are lost.- J.R.R. Tolkien
Statements of each spoken language
Ownership of problem
I have a problem I am responsible for the problem and for resolving and dealing with it.
You have a problem and you are responsible for resolving and dealing with it.
We have a problem and together we will share responsibility for resolving and dealing with it.
Example
I have a writing paper that is due tomorrow, but I don’t have effective typing skills.
INTERFERENCE says
If you don’t help me type this paper, I will be in trouble. If you cared about me you would help me.
I try to shift my responsibility and anxiety onto you and I create a space of you rescuing me from my problem a test of your love for me.
INTERFERENCE says
That’s your problem, a lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. You have to learn responsibility. Here is where rules are the focus.
INFLUENCE says
I have a problem. I have a paper due tomorrow and my typing skills aren’t the best. Would you be willing to help me with it? Here is where the relationship is the focus.
INFLUENCE
We together own the problem. We have a shared responsibility for dealing with it and finding solutions. We have joint responsibility for finding resolutions to shared problems, but each person still retains individual responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings and input. We will negotiate and work together.
Case Study
Carol 54 recently lost her husband Bob after 30 years of marriage. In attempts to console and comfort Carol friends, family and co-workers began to shower her with caring gestures by hovering over her and sayings to her, I know you miss Bob and I know how you feel without knowing more about Carol’s story. One might not understand Carol’s frustration towards these efforts.
Carol never shared her unhappy marriage with anyone, she endured an emotionally, mentally and physically abusive marriage. As friends and family made their attempts towards uninformed empathy, Carol started to unravel inside.
These people think they know how I feel and they think they understand me, well they don’t. The truth is that Carol was relieved that Bob had died. She wasn’t grieving his death. For the first time in 30 years Carol said I feel safe to be at home without fear of being abused.
The story of Carol demonstrates that sympathy although a natural response to suffering in others can many times become a barrier to understanding and helping others.
Coach Approach
Powerful Questions
Powerful Questions carry within them the power of reason that expands an inner strength to create a life, a future that is worth living.
Powerful Questions can be measured by the impact it has on the listener.
Powerful Questions are fundamental to all human creativity and willful living.
Active listening
Active Listening acknowledges, conveying regard for the other person efforts.
Active Listening encourages, revealing that you are interested and want to hear more.
Active Listening responds, paraphrasing a statement and drawing out the useful content and shifts perspective, so what I heard you say is – if I heard you correctly.
Myers-Briggs personality type
CBT- Cognitive Behavior Therapy
Emotional Intelligence
Gratitude journal
Strengths Finder
Reflection
Before we speak ask ourselves
- How will my words (including my tone) effect the person being spoken to?
- Will my words build up or tear down?
- How would I feel if I were being spoken to In the same manner?
Watch your thoughts, they become words;
Watch your words, they become actions;
Watch your actions, they become habits;
Watch your habits, they become character;
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.