A Coaching Power Tool created by Melanie Hendrix
(Transformation Coach, UNITED STATES)
The key to success is to focus our conscious mind on things we desire not things we fear. Brian Tracy
Through the contrast of life’s experiences, we come to conclusions about what we want in life, and what we don’t want. We form beliefs about what’s important to us in life and what has value and meaning. Our values are what motivate us in life. They become the emotional drivers behind our thoughts, actions, behavior and goals. If we really want something, we will find it very attractive and feel drawn to it. If we really don’t want something, we are repelled by the thought of it, and will avoid it if possible. Attraction is the energy of moving towards, and creates desire. Avoidance is the energy of moving away from, and creates resistance. Both can focus energy in a powerful way.
Attraction and avoidance are both important in life. Once we discover something can hurt us, fear is healthy and avoidance is a wise decision. Desire gives us the motivation to go towards what we want, which ignites the magnetic energy of attraction. Having discernment between the two is an important life skill. Of course it’s always possible to be attracted to what will hurt you, or fear and resist what could help you; which is part of the trial and error of life’s lessons, and leads to discernment and wisdom. The question is what brings fulfillment in life; moving with excitement in the direction of what compels you forward, or avoiding what you are afraid of and staying safe? Which one makes you feel vital and alive? Where do you want to focus your energy?
Avoidance – to keep away from, evade, or shun
Avoidance is being motivated by what you don’t want. You have to focus on it to avoid it, and by finding strategies to stay away from what you don’t want in life, you run the risk of creating more of it. Your radar is set to find any sign of it creeping in, keeping you on alert to threats. When your energy and attention are focused on trying to stay a step ahead of what you don’t want, that makes it much more difficult to put focused energy into what you do want. You push against and resist what you fear; thinking that if you are vigilant enough, you can keep it from happening. What you resist persists, and begins to control your life.
Attraction – to draw to oneself, or to be drawn towards
Attraction is magnetic, and can draw people, things, situations, and opportunities into your life. It is the energy of receiving and allowing. You can attract consciously, by aligning yourself with an authentic desire that comes from a place of worth, rather than a place of need. If your desire comes from a sense of lack, then lack is what you will focus on, and most likely what you will continue to experience. Your energy will not be on something you desire, but on a lack that you want to fix. You may decide what you want, by knowing what you don’t want, but then you need to consciously turn your attention in the direction of your desire. If you can support that desire with feelings of worth and deservingness, and the energy of belief, it is on the way. Attraction is being present to, and motivated by the joy and wonder of your life, and valuing the energy of love over the energy of fear and doubt. It is being in your power, open to possibilities, without resistance.
- Do you feel joyful when you focus on something you really want? How would you feel if you could not have it?
- Do you have control over what you focus on?
- What are the things you want because you need them to be happy? How do you feel when you focus on those things?
One of the most beneficial things you can do with a client is helping them to discover and understand their values. Values reveal what is most important to a client. Living in alignment with values brings a rewarding and fulfilling life. They are the motivating factor in our lives.
Once a client has listed their values, you can ask them to list at least three reasons why that value is important. They will find that some of the reasons are about what they want to move towards in their life, and how this value will bring more of that into their experience. They may also find that some of the reasons are about what they want to avoid, and by valuing its opposite, they hope to move away from that. For example, one of their values may be financial security. When they think about why financial security is important, their first thought might be,
I don’t want to be poor like my parents, or I don’t want to struggle to pay my bills.
In this case, their motivation will be fear based, around what they don’t want. They will be constantly noticing the lack of money, or their struggle with money, and their mindset will be one of scarcity.
The key to success is focusing our conscious mind on things we want, not things we fear. If this client could focus on what he could do with money, and how it could enrich his life, instead of the fear of not having money, he could begin to turn his motivation in the right direction. It is not the value that is the problem. It is what the client is doing inside when they think about it. They may feel positive on the outside about something, and at the same time be looking over their shoulder to make sure they are staying away from what they don’t want. Pain and past traumas make us want to avoid being re-traumatized, and we can spend a lot of energy trying to avoid anything like that again. Often the energy of avoidance is unconscious, so the values exercise can help the client gain insight into where and how they are focusing their energy.
If we really desire something and want to move towards that, our desire must be stronger than our fear of not having it. Otherwise, it will feel like one foot on the gas and one on the brakes. If our fear is stronger, it will be like sailing to a destination with no wind. Your boat is pointed in the right direction, and you know where you want to go, but you keep looking back at where you’ve been to make sure it’s still behind you. If you keep your focus behind you, you will never be able to steer the boat and catch the wind of your desire.
- How can you help a client change how they feel about a value? What are some questions you could ask to help them explore their feelings about a value?
- How would you explain why it is important to move towards what you want, rather than away from what you don’t?
- Can someone know their true motivation without knowing why it is important to them?