A Coaching Power Tool created by Malgorzata Chabrowska
(Transformational Coach, NETHERLANDS)
A great attitude becomes a great day which becomes a great month which becomes a great year which becomes a great life. Mandy Hale
Attitude and behavior are two quite different things.
Attitude is a person’s inner thoughts and feelings,
While behavior is usually an outward expression of attitude.
The two are not always related. How many of us feel that there is a difference between feeling not certain, not confident, even shy while expressing external confidence at the same time? We present each other as self confident and very often this is not same with how we really feel inside.
So the question is:
Do you act as you feel?
For many years I was not. I was thought to “keep smiling” and to behave in a way my parents, society were expecting me to behave. I was a good daughter, great student reasonable teenager someone might say “a young old lady”. I thought it was perfectly normal and I didn’t realize until late twenties that it has affected my whole life and in many ways “closed my heart“. Outside I had a brave face, I was always smiley, seemed happy. Someone would say that she had a perfect life. I was “wearing a mask”. Inside I was lost and lonely. I forgot how to express how I really felt, what was hurting me and how to announce what makes me happy. I think I was living some else’s expectations and lives and it was not truly me. I had a good job, I bought an apartment I had friends but I was not feeling happy. I simply wasn’t in touch with myself and my feelings.
There was not a single thing that happened that changed my way of thinking. It was a process of realization that something is not right and shifting my perspective and starting to listen to my heart and observing what’s going on with my body and my mind and if my outside reaction is aligned with it.
Now I can honestly say that although I came a long way there is still room for improvement and work to be done. But over a years my self confidence and believing in me has increased. I trust myself more than I have ever in my life. I feel more secure and happy and me.
I believe I am not the only one and I believe that through the process of coaching you can build the fundamentals of internal happiness and external successes in life.
If you have a client that is concerned about making other people uncomfortable because of not saying what he really thinks or is taking more activities at work because he doesn’t want to hurt someone or doesn’t know how to say “no” or he is just not allowing himself to express fully and thus in the process is not accepting the way he is and in the end feels hurt or sad or even angry then as coaches we can support client in many ways.
Being with client and “in the moment”, helping him to create awareness around the situation and emotions and help to understand it.
If the client would like to change behavior we might:
- Ask him to identify area where he is struggling and would like to change
- What are the thoughts that are coming to client’s mind
- Is there a pattern of these thoughts? Are they helping in dealing with the situation
- How is the client feeling
- How is he behaving with this feeling
- Is there another choice here? What is it? How can it be used
Seeing thoughts and emotions for what they are will allow client to be fully present in what he is experiencing and getting to the bottom of who he is with the awareness of what is actually taking place in his actions and what choices he has to free himself of the influence of these thoughts and feelings on his behavior.
Self exercises that could help “on a road”:
a) Do you accept yourself?
By accepting yourself you agree on who you are, how you feel what your emotions and needs are and how to act on that.
To increase self acceptance you can do this exercise. Choose one thing you don’t accept about yourself. It can be the way you look, emotion, one behavior towards something etc. Think “what the benefit of it for you is”, then “what the benefit of it for other people is”. What did you find out? How do you feel if you look at this from this perspective?
b) Are you acting within your values?
Try to pay attention if you act in a way that you respect yourself and your values.
In a situation that something is “not right” ask yourself “If I were important to myself would I behave in this way” if the answer is “yes”, great. If the answer is “no” ask yourself “How can I show respect to myself, my needs and my emotions”
Last but not least:
Positive attitude is a key to self acceptance, enthusiasm and energy. If you feel that your behavior is not aligned with your heart. Ask yourself “who is responsible for that?” There is only one answer to it
It is always you who is responsible for your choices. If you can realize it, it will change your perspective. If everything is my choice then what is the reason to sabotage my life? If you still are acting against yourself ask yourself:
- What does it say about me values?
- How can I satisfy it?