Here, the client is invited to dialogue between his dependent and his mature self, one state expressed while sitting in one chair and the other expressed while sitting in another chair, switching as needed from one chair to the other. Another option is to ask the client to imagine wearing different hats for each situation (real hats can also be used). As he gets used to this exercise, he will get an understanding of what it feels like to move out of independent state to the mature state (from the child to the adult) and he can correct himself[iii].
Further on, the client’s strengths are numbered and explored. Identifying his strengths is crucial for this process, because they are the foundation on which his self-reliance is built.
The client is also taught to use new language: instead of saying that someone made him angry, he is asked to start his sentences by saying, I allowed him/her to make me angry. Instead of saying that this or that happened to him, he is asked to say that he let this or that happen to him. They tricked me again – I let them trick me again. I was disappointed – I allowed myself to be disappointed, and so on. Also, I should/need to/must is to be replaced by I wish, I desire, I want to. This way the client learns to take ownership of his feelings and reactions/behaviors.
Suggested coaching questions
- What are mature people like?
- If you were to make a list of three main benefits of being dependent, what would they be?
- If you were to make a list of three main benefits of being adult, what would they be?
- What’s good about the current situation?
- What are you gaining from staying right where you are?
- What might you have to give up to become more self-reliant?
- What is the decision you have been avoiding here?
- Complete the sentence: I always rely on others for…
- Complete the sentence: I never rely on others for…
- Imagine a mature person you know. What is he/she like? What does he do?
- If you (secretly) knew the answer to getting more independent, what would that be?
- How do you sabotage yourself when xxx - and what will you do differently this time?
- Is there something that you could stop (or start) doing to make a difference?
- What could your Adult do differently in a similar situation the next time?
- What would you advise your best friend to do if they were in your situation?
- Imagine a self-confident person you know. What is he/she like?
- Imagine you’re fully confident in your abilities, what could you do?
- What do you have already (e.g. skills and resources) that could help you feel more confident/make decisions more independently…?
Outcome
Cognitive and behavioral change – Through this process, the client will expand his awareness and discover new behaviors in the supportive environment of coaching. He will learn that there is a choice and will start to make choices motivated by the desired outcome – to strike a healthy balance between being independent while also being able to rely on others.
Affective change – the client will be capable of dealing with new situations he encounters in everyday life.
[i] This is to be differentiated from dependent personality or dependent personality disorder. If the latter is present, the client must be referred to psychotherapy. DPD is a long-term (chronic) condition in which people depend on others to meet their emotional and physical needs and is characterized by at least 3 of the following:
- encouraging or allowing others to make most of one’s important life decisions;
- subordination of one’s own needs to those of others on whom one is dependent, and undue compliance with their wishes;
- unwillingness to make even reasonable demands on the people one depends on;
- feeling uncomfortable or helpless when alone, because of exaggerated fears of inability to care for oneself;
- preoccupation with fears of being abandoned by a person with whom one has a close relationship, and of being left to care for oneself;
- limited capacity to make everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others.
Source: WHO
[ii] With occasional setbacks, of course. It is to be expected that the client will regress to old behaviors when under stress. As this may discourage him and diminish his motivation to change, the coach should explain that this is a part of the process.
[iii] This exercise is a combination of the elements of “Empty Chair” technique, used in gestalt therapy, and the “Parts Party” technique, used in transactional analysis.
[1] This is to be differentiated from dependent personality or dependent personality disorder. If the latter is present, the client must be referred to psychotherapy. DPD is a long-term (chronic) condition in which people depend on others to meet their emotional and physical needs and is characterized by at least 3 of the following:
- encouraging or allowing others to make most of one’s important life decisions;
- subordination of one’s own needs to those of others on whom one is dependent, and undue compliance with their wishes;
- unwillingness to make even reasonable demands on the people one depends on;
- feeling uncomfortable or helpless when alone, because of exaggerated fears of inability to care for oneself;
- preoccupation with fears of being abandoned by a person with whom one has a close relationship, and of being left to care for oneself;
- limited capacity to make everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others.
Source: WHO
[1] With occasional setbacks, of course. It is to be expected that the client will regress to old behaviors when under stress. As this may discourage him and diminish his motivation to change, the coach should explain that this is a part of the process.
[1] This exercise is a combination of the elements of “Empty Chair” technique, used in gestalt therapy, and the “Parts Party” technique, used in transactional analysis.